Through Thick and Thin (Anthony Rizzo)

Not Getting Rid Of Me

Anthony

It's the 11th of April now and the days all seem to be drawing together. I attend zoom calls with my family and I plan some things for my foundation, but other than that there isn't much else to do. I've been watching a lot of Disney + and Netflix and all that stuff. I wanted to take up some type of craft but I couldn't draw a stick figure if my life depended on it.

Luckily for me I've made a friend to keep me company. I don't do so hot on my own, I tend to do things that aren't the smartest things to do when someone isn't around reminding me to think before I act. But if it sounds like fun I'm always in. Jazz is someone who lets me be me but also knows that I still have a lot to learn in this life. And she's willing to put in effort to help me find my way.

I can't lie, I really liked this girl, even the parts of her she's not proud of. She is like a piece of art that's still being worked on. Constantly finding pieces of her she wishes to change and trying to be better. I know it's hard for her, I hear her playing sad music late at night. I know she faces demons I will never understand no matter what she tells me. But that doesn't stop me from getting feelings for her. Deep feelings that are becoming harder and harder to ignore.

I sit in my room just staring at the ceiling wondering what was going on just above me. What she was doing up there and whether she was thinking of me too. I know times are hard right now but she makes them seem better. Like a light in the darkness that surrounds this city. Things only seem to be getting worse out there and it's hard to stay positive. Especially for someone like me who has to constantly be around people making them smile and laugh in order to feel my worth. I can't even go to the hospital and do what I love the most, help the children as they fight off cancer. I was in a dark place and I didn't want to keep bothering Jazz, but I feel a lot better when she's around.

I suddenly hear a loud crashing sound and a scream come from above me that made me jump up in bed. It falls silent before I hear more commotion and I dart out of bed. I find some shorts to put on and run up the stairs to the next floor.

I don't even knock as I let myself into her apartment. She doesn't usually lock her door because the building itself was secure which I'm thankful for in this case. I look around the main living area but I don't see anything out of place. I hear her crying from one of the back rooms and I go back there. I find her in her bedroom curled up in a ball on the floor between her bed and the wall. I wasn't sure what was happening or what to do so I go to be by her side.

She jumps when she realizes someone is now sitting next to her, but she softens when she realizes it was just me. I decide to softly pick her up off the ground and get her somewhere where she won't feel so trapped like she was between her bed and the wall. She shivers in my arms as she keeps her eyes closed tight. Only the sound of her whimpers fill the air around us. I set her down on the bed as she stays in my arms. She buries her face in my chest as I lay down next to her. I keep her as close to me as possible so she felt comfortable.

"Jazzy, what's wrong" I finally asked.

"I had a nightmare" she hiccups. "Sometimes they trigger my ptsd and give me a panic attack."

"How often do does this happen" I wonder.

"Most nights, honestly. I just can't seem to get away" she cries.

"Doesn't the VA take care of these things"
I question.

"No, they won't help me. I tried treatment while I was oversea and it didn't help so they gave up. Said it wasn't worth trying if they knew it wouldn't work" she whispers.

I look down at her and she looked broken. She was the strongest person I know and she looked so fragile. She looked weak as her body trembles.

And the worst part... there wasn't a damn thing I could do. I couldn't take her fears away, I can't take away the memories she had from fighting. This was her battle and she was losing.

I softly run my fingers through her long blonde hair. She was in nothing but a shirt but she was sweating so much. I wanted so bad just to take away her troubles.

"I'm so tired" she whispers.

"Go to sleep. I got you, and I'm not letting you go" I promise. I softly caress her cheek and I feel her relax into my hands.

Within a few minutes she falls back asleep and I just hold her. I couldn't go back to bed now, I was wide awake.

I've read the stories about her. She's gotten the Medal of Honor from President Obama, a distinguished service cross, a Purple Heart and a army commendation medal. She was the head commander and was one of the most respected people at her position. She's met president Obama and worked along side the very people who run the army. But in order to accomplish all of that, she had to give up a lot too. She had to do and see things that now haunt her. Unfortunately all those accolades and awards don't always have such precedence here in the real world. But cheaper baseball tickets and getting to the front of the line at the rides at six flags isn't worth all of this. They don't tell you that when you start. Then when it ends they throw you into the real world with all this baggage and no way to carry it. They fight for our freedoms only to be trapped by the very thing they were fighting for. And it's no ones fault, that's that way war works. But it makes me wonder what more people like me could do for people like her.

I sit there for six hours watching her sleep before Jazz wakes up again a little bit after 10 in the morning. Her bright brown eyes look up at me a little confused as to what was going on. But her memories come back to her as a small smile finds its way on her face. Her grip on me loosens a little as she sits up.

"Did you stay here all night" she asks me.

"All morning, technically" I tease.

"You didn't have to-" she starts.

"Don't-" I interrupt, "Don't tell me I didn't have to do that. I know I didn't have to. But I care about you, I want to be here for you."

"I care about you too... that's why I don't want you getting caught up in my life and all the things that come with it" she claims.

"I've already decided you're worth it. You're not getting rid of me" I smirk.

"I don't want you to leave. I want you to be able to live your life not worried about me or the things that trouble me" she argues.

"You don't have to fight this alone" I defend.

"But I do" she replies softly. "This virus made me realize that I am alone. And that's okay, because I've fought for so many things but I've never had to fight for myself. Now I do" she insists.

"Let me help you" I beg.

"I haven't kicked you out yet" she reminds me.

"That's a small step" I tease.

She lets out a sigh as she looks down at where our skin met. She looks back up at me and her eyes were a little brighter. "Do you want some breakfast" she wonders.

"I can't turn down free food" I smile.