Temptation [ Min Yoongi | ENG ]

O N E

I opened the door, already putting the cigarette in my mouth and feeling my pockets behind the lighter. I wasn't even thinking, I just needed to get out and take a deep breath, with the help of my best therapist.

From time to time, and more often than I would like to admit, I wonder if I am making the right choices for my life. Living with a generalized anxiety disorder and yet be in an endless routine of night outs is not so easy and even with everything under control I sometimes have this feeling; I feel like I need to escape the hustle and bustle, the people leaning against me, the loud music, the enclosed space... just so I don't lose control.

I finally found the lighter in my sweatshirt pocket, lit my cigarette and took a deep breath inhaling it at the same time as my mind started to clear.

"Smoking is bad for you, you know?"

Damn it. My sense of calm evaporated as soon as I recognized the familiar voice and felt his eyes on me.

He had a stupid smile on his lips and was leaning against the wall next to the door I had just left. I saw it all as soon as I turned to look at the owner of the voice.

He also smoked a cigarette.

"OK. Thank you for letting me know."

He continued to smile and didn't take his eyes off me. Out of instinct and experience, I moved away. A few steps took me closer to the street and I kept my back to him, curled up by the cold as I tried to enjoy my cigarette in peace, but again his voice found my ears.

"You should have put your coat on before you came out to smoke."

That tone again.

"Are you my mother?" I asked, unable to hide the irritation and frustration in my voice.

He got the message and said nothing more until he finished his cigarette, put it out on the wall, turned towards the door and entered without looking back.

I was finally alone.

The night was freezing and I should have put on my coat before coming out for a smoke.

He was not wrong, but at that moment it was not a question of whether he was right or wrong. I went out to get some calm when it became oppressive inside; I had neither the time nor the disposition for meaningless conversation. I wasn't even able to make meaningful conversations.

It didn't take long for me to finish that cigarette too and I contemplated lighting another one. I looked behind me and through the big windows in front of the bar I could see what was going on inside. Everyone was excited, the music was loud enough to be heard from the outside, and I could hear the muffled sound of the conversations that took place over the loud music.

It was not yet late enough for people to start dancing, but neither was it so early that people were completely sober. It was that transition moment in the night, when you can go home well or you can stay and let the night and alcohol be responsible for your choices.

Tonight, I already knew what my choice would be. I looked at my watch and, checking the time, I decided I wouldn't light another cigarette. I buried my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt that wasn't enough to keep me warm and balanced myself on the curb, taking one step after another.

I looked through the bar's window again, shook my head slightly and, taking a deep breath, walked towards the door.

After dodging several groups of people distracted enough not to hear me asking permission to passby them, I finally reached the big table in the back, the captive spot where my friends and I sat almost every night of the week.

I stopped by the table and they looked at me with interest. I signaled that I would leave and some asked me to stay. Lotte, who was next to me, got up to ask me if everything was okay. I said yes in her ear and smiled to reassure her.

On my way back to the door, I again felt that I was being watched and out of the corner of my eye I saw his eyes on me once again, but I did not turn to meet his gaze.