Temptation [ Min Yoongi | ENG ]

T W E N T Y O N E

Virtually everyone tried to contact me during the weekend. Surprisingly, Yoongi was not the most insistent. He sent me some messages asking if he could meet me and if we could talk. He wanted to know if he had done something wrong.

I spent the two days hiding, afraid of even going on my terrace and being discovered still alive. In all this time, I still didn't really know why I was doing this. I just felt like I needed it. If I didn't speak to anyone, I wouldn't have to verbalize anything that was going on inside me.

I was denying something.

I spent Monday focused on the new texts I had received at work for that week's shootings and sighed with relief when I saw that we would not have any meetings that day. I didn't want to talk even about work.

During Tuesday I debated with myself whether or not to cancel my therapy session. I didn't even have the confidence to face my psychologist. Facing him meant facing myself and I had been avoiding that for 4 days.

Lotte and Grietje were still texting me. Maud had made herself available to me when I was ready and Yoongi had given up sometime the day before.

The feeling I had while riding my bike to therapy was that there was a stone in my throat. It started to form on Friday night and now it had grown out of my control. I didn't think that I would be able to deal with that anguish, to go through it and overcome it. But I also didn't want to drag that situation out for much longer. I knew that besides me, I was possibly hurting someone else who did nothing wrong.

After 50 intense and difficult minutes, I felt devastated. I already knew, but once again I understood that what paralyzed me now is the same kind of fear that has been holding me for so long. It wasn't necessarily rational, but I needed to rationalize this situation. The only thing I can control is my understanding of what I want, what I expect and what I feel.

It took me two more days to answer a call from Lotte. I didn't want to talk to anyone, because talking to them was dealing with him, even if indirectly. What did he say to them? Do they already know how he feels? I don't want to hear it from anyone but him and I'm not ready to hear it from him either. She was careful and never mentioned him.

I explained that that week was being difficult for me, that I was organizing some things in my mind and that the moment was one of introspection. I assured her that I was well, medicated and in contact with my psychologist.

On Friday, Yoongi called me and I was unable to answer. My heart was heavy because of it and I knew it wasn't fair to him. And I knew that he knew it too.

I shut down my computer from work and put on my coat before leaving. The cold, dark night fueled that terrible feeling that I couldn't shake off me. I lit my cigarette while walking to the bike rack in front of the studio and while unlocking my bike I decided to act, because not acting was an action in itself and I was hating where it was taking me.