Temptation [ Min Yoongi | ENG ]

S I X T Y E I G H T

I woke up still with Yoongi's songs reverberating through my head. I had the feeling that somehow the lyrics were about us, about me. The lyrics of the songs, especially his verses, kept repeating in my mind.

I drank my tea and wanted to hear it again, but I was also afraid. I ate and showered away this notion from my thoughts. I didn't want those songs to be about what they clearly were.

Now I understood Lotte's look when she saw me the night before. All of our friends heard those songs, they also knew that many of those lyrics talked about us. About our breakup, about how he was still suffering even after almost a year. About how he still loves me, about how he thought we could have a future together.

I got his message. Anyone who heard that mixtape would understand its message. I felt calm after I heard those songs twice. It brought me peace to know that there was a future. But as time went by, the confusion I felt after understanding the lyrics started to dominate me.

Why would he do that? Why would he expose himself that way? And why would he declare himself that way? And what did he expect me to do with it? Although I understood that he was waiting for me, I didn't feel like doing anything.

I shook my head as I walked to work. Maybe I was being smug. It would not be the first time that I had acted this way towards him. I always liked to believe that I had more power over him than I really did. I didn't have that power, so much that what he felt for me was not enough for him not to behave the way he did.

Maybe those songs weren't about me. Perhaps he was not waiting for me.

He wasn't expecting me to save him from anything, I was being stupid. I asked clearly if he expected me to forgive him for what he did to us and he said no. He accepted when I said I didn't love him anymore. He's on the other side of the world. He moved on and so did I.

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"Roosje" I heard Bram say as he settled next to me on the couch. "How was therapy today?"

"Okay, why?"

"You look a little beat up." He spoke, running his fingers gently over my left cheek.

"Oh no. I didn't sleep very well the night before, that must be it." I gave him a weak smile.

The truth is that my mind did not leave Yoongi all day and my therapy had come down to playing his mixtape for my psychologist. As it was half an hour long, the rest of the time was not enough for us to discuss everything that had to be said and therefore my anguish was still there.

Bram pulled me onto his lap and I laid my head on his shoulder, feeling the hair on his goatee brush my face as he moved his head gently.

I did not know that I could feel so comforted by someone who was not dedicated exclusively to me, but he did not lie, he was responsible with my heart. I thought about it while he kissed the top of my head before turning his attention to the television. I think it helped that I didn't fall in love with him.

I liked him a lot, he was a great company and, physically, everything between us was great. I just didn't love him. I felt guilty at first when I realized that I wouldn't love him. I felt like I was being unfair twice. Unfair to him, for being with him without loving him and unfair with Jaap, wherever he was, because I didn't stay with him without loving him.

The only solution I found to get rid of the guilt was to be responsible with his heart too. Bram asked me if I didn't want to be with him, once I didn't love him. But he said he understood that relationships can be bigger than that kind of love we are so used to attribute to them. He also said he didn't know if he loved me, but that being with me was pleasant and he felt good and that was enough for him.

I heard his words and thought about them for a little. Did I need to love him there? In that moment? Or was it enough to like him? I knew that when there is love involved, there are other feelings as well. I remembered the euphoric feeling I felt when I was with Yoongi, the calmness, the feeling of belonging. Bram took me in and took care of me, but he didn't arouse those feelings in me.

Being with him made sense, it was more rational than emotional. The nature of our relationship was like that. We were sincere with each other, open about our feelings and our expectations and it gave me a feeling of enormous control. I knew exactly what to expect from him. I liked his affection, the way he managed our courtship too.

I stayed with him, even though I didn't love him.