Forbidden Desires (18+)

42. I wanted to kill him

Hello, thank you so much for reading. I'm so thankful for all of your amazing comments, you're all so kind I don't deserve you all! :)

Anyways... This chapter is going to be a little emotional, and there is a trigger warning. This is going to be a difficult chapter for me to write, but it is important in order to understand what changes will happen to Olivia - and her thought processes, and her attitude change.

It's just important for you to understand why her character will change a little bit.

So, there is a rape warning in this chapter. I'm sorry - and if this is too triggering for you, please do not read.

I do not condone rape, and if any of you have had to go through this in your life, I am so very fucking sorry. Just know that being abused by any man, or woman for the matter, does NOT define who you are. You are fucking amazing! All of you! And if anyone needs to talk, my messages are open for all of you.

So yeah, please do not read this if you know you won't be able to handle it, or if it will trigger any unwelcome emotions and memories.

Love you guys.

Olivia's POV

Days. Maybe even weeks. I'm not sure how long it has been precisely, but it's been longer than I can take. The men, they come and go, some are worse than others, and some of the men are monsters.

Including the man who was standing before me right now - I don't know his name, but I have seen him twice before. He has black hair, he's skinny and old - late forties, maybe. He doesn't speak English, or he just hasn't spoken English in my presence.

He doesn't do much talking...

Just touching and other horrible things...

I swallow feeling his hands on my skin, his rough and disgusting hands. I can't kick him off because my legs are too tired and too sore. I can't push him off because my wrists are still handcuffed together. My skin was bruised now in some places, and everything was blurry constantly.

I wasn't going to last very much longer - but I was trying.

I was trying so hard to keep my eyes open and my heart beating, I thought about Brett, my mother, the kids, and Talia - my friend who I hadn't spoken too in so long, I missed her.

I wish I could see her one last time and say goodbye, and tell her how thankful I am for her.

I wish I could tell my mother that I love her so much, and that she is the woman that I aspire to be. I hope that she has a happy life without dad, and Brett...

I wish I'd have told him my true feelings for him. We should have been honest about how we felt a long time ago, but we didn't. We should have, I know that now.

And If I ever saw him again, I'd tell him.

I'd tell him everything.

I shut my eyes tightly when I feel my thongs being pulled down my legs. I turn my head away from the man leaning over me and press my lips tightly together when I feel his filthy cock at my entrance.

And then... all I felt was pain.

Physical and emotional - I was breaking. I was breaking over and over again, every single day. Men came and went, and used me for their own pleasure, it was as if they wanted me broken, and I know that it was because of Brett.

But I didn't blame him.

I could never blame him... This wasn't his fault.

I tried to keep my mind somewhere else, whilst the man fucks me. But, I kept feeling him everywhere. I felt so dirty, so fucking dirty, in the worst way possible. I swallowed away the tears that threatened to escape my eyes.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to kill him.

I could kill him, this man, and many of the others - I fantasied about it a lot down here. I found myself finding comfort in the idea of once Brett found me, I'd get to kill them and get my revenge. But a smaller part of me knew that even if I did kill them, It wouldn't fix me.

It wouldn't mend whatever it was that they'd broken inside of me.

That light that they'd put out - I'd never get it back. Not by killing them, and not by torturing them.

I worried that I would never get that light back...

I wanted it back.

I wanted a lot of things - but I had nothing.

I just had this dirty man fucking me and grunting in pleasure whilst I laid still on the cold floor, wishing to be anywhere but here. My mind took me to other places, like my home with Brett. It took me to my mother, sitting by her side, drinking wine and talking about good books.

It took me to watching movies with Charlotte, and helping Kyle with his homework, even though half of the time, I didn't understand it myself.

But, the pain was still there. The feel of this man inside of me never went away.

The feel of his dirty hands on my skin remained, even when he finally came and left.

I could still feel him touching me all of the time.

I would never feel clean again.

Not for a very long time...

I already knew that.

Dirty.

I was so fucking dirty - I wanted to shower for hours. Days. Weeks.

I wanted to live in a shower, and scrub my skin straight off.

And maybe then would I feel better...

I hope I would.

It what was keeping me going...

I swallow when the man finally finishes, and pulls out of me leaving me feeling empty and worthless and dead.

I'd rather be dead than here.

I know this chapter is short and it's a horrible one, but it is important for understanding her character and the changes she will endure.

So i'm sorry and what I said at the beginning still goes!