christmas

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i wake up in my comfy bed and remember it's christmas morning. i got back from the trip a week and a half ago and have only seen my dad once since. i'm really hoping he's here. he never misses christmas. i head downstairs to the living room where our tree sits. no one. i check his room. he's not home. steven and carmen have off today leaving me all alone. yay. i get cookie and curl up on the couch under a blanket. we watch NCIS while i eat orange bread steven had made the other day, and drink hot chocolate. josh told me i'm welcome to come over but i don't wanna ruin their christmas.

...

it's now 8 at night. my dad never came home. he did text me saying

"merry christmas kiddo. im so sorry. i cant make it home. i love you"

and i got some texts from my friends too. but i felt really lonely. i remember that christmas was my mother's favorite thing. she loved to decorate the house. all these decorations are just reminding me of her. i decide i wanna forget this christmas. i know i've always been alone but this hurt. my dad couldn't even be here today. i go around the humongous house taking down every single christmas decoration. it took 4 and a half hours. it's now past midnight. all of the decorations are down and put away in the storage room. i decide that i wanna go see my mom. i know it's late but it's christmas.

i put cookie in my car with me and drive to the nearest rite aid that's open 24 hours. i go in and purchase a bouquet of flowers and go back to the car. then i drive to the cemetery. i carry cookie and the flowers to where my mom is buried. i rest the flowers against her stone.

you: i miss you mommy. christmas and- everything just isn't the same. dad works all the time and is just never around. i miss having you here with me.

a tear falls down my cheek before i go back to the car.

...........................

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