today my mom is trying to teach me how to take care of a child.
michelle: do you have a name yet?
josh: no i can't think. i try to but- my mind just gets distracted thinking of everything-
michelle: hey hey. it's okay joshua. i know your going through a lot right now but it's okay. take your time.
i nod and try to calm myself.
michelle: here
she hands me my baby.
michelle: come on you've held your cousins when they were little
josh: they hated me when they were babies. my own kid can't hate me!
michelle: josh- *sighs* ok. make sure you support her head. baby's necks are very fragile.
i take a deep breath and hold her how my mom instructed me to.
michelle: good. good. now you can bounce a bit or rock her a bit. it's up to you.
i bounce a bit and if can feel her ease up a bit in my arms.
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michelle: tilt her head back a little still holding it up so she takes the bottle.
i do as she says but the baby spits it out. i try over and over again but she won't take it.
michelle: josh you can't get frustrated. i know it's annoying but just keep trying. just calm down and try again
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michelle: ok so changing a baby girl is much easier than a boy. you don't have to worry about them spraying
she laughs but i'm just not in the mood.
michelle ok so take her diaper off and use the wipes on her bottom
i do.
michelle: put the new diaper under her, fold it up, then pull the sides up. take the sticky covers off and stick those flaps to the front
it took me a minute but i did it decent.
michelle: that's good josh. very good
she hugs me since she can see i'm obviously having a tough time today. will comes in.
will: Josh wanna play fortnite?
josh: sorry bud. i'm busy
michelle: go ahead josh. i'll watch her for a bit. take a break.
i sigh in relief and go play video games with my brother.
•••
my mom and i are sitting on the couch now. i'm holding my kid in my arms as she cries.
josh: she just ate. i just changed her. she doesn't want the god damn binky! why is she crying?!?!
michelle: watch your mouth josh. and sometimes babies just cry for no reason. you just have to tough it out. now. i have to head to the grocery store. your father is at work. i'll take liv and will with me. are you ok here with her? i shouldn't be gone more than an hour.
josh: i- i don't know.
michelle: josh if your gonna move into katelyns old house, your gonna have to learn to be with her on your own
josh: fine
michelle: olivia! will! come on
my siblings come in.
will: do we have to go??? *whines
liv hits him.
will: why is everyone acting so weird? and why is there a random baby? why is josh crying all the time?
i look dow at the floor.
michelle: get it car you two. i'll be out in a minute.
they head out.
michelle: call me if you need me ok?
i nod and she leaves. i couldn't get my daughter to stop crying, so while i held her i tried to think of names. no luck. i'm fucking exhausted and just wanna lay in my bed. i take her in with me and lay her in the middle so i can take my shirt off. because like- who wears shirts in bed ya know? i lay down and pull her on top of me, resting her on my chest. she's still crying. i take off her tiny shirt and pants leaving her diaper on though.
josh: you must not like sleeping in clothes either huh?
then i lay her on my chest and suddenly, she stopped crying.
josh: there ya go.
she ended up falling asleep on me. i was super frustrated before, but now it's like she eased all my stress. this tiny little thing sleeping on me is the most amazing thing in the world and it just put me at ease. it's crazy how such a small little thing comes from a human. i made this kid- well i helped. this is my kid. and she doesn't completely hate me. maybe i can do this. maybe. even if i can't, i'm still gonna try. i'm all she has and i'm not giving up on her.
brooklyn jane connor richards.
i just like the name brooklyn. i think it fits her well. the middle name jane just fits with it. brooklyn jane. i like it.
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