so here's the thing. i thought i had made my mind up. but i haven't. katelyn was here yesterday and i just couldn't take my eyes off of her. god dammit why is everything so complicated? i'm with jess and that should be enough.
but it's not.
brooke apparently took my phone yesterday and voice texted katelyn telling her to come over today. great. jess and stella are already coming today. this will be... fun.
•••
josh: hey jess
i kiss her.
josh: hi stella
stella: hi josh!
stella runs off to go find brooke. they're actually friends now but they still argue quite a bit. jess and i sit on the couch talking.
jess: wedding plans josh
i groan at the fact i hate planning.
jess: we have to do it at some point. we still don't even have a date
josh: pick whatever date you want. plan it however you want. i'll help with the cake and i'll pay for everything
jess: josh
i groan again when the doorbell rings. i get up to answer. oh shit. kate.
katelyn: hey-
she notices jess on the couch.
katelyn: oh i should be going then. i don't wanna intrude-
josh: no no it's fine. really. dinner is almost ready anyway.
katelyn: are you sure?
then she whispers.
katelyn: this is probably gonna be awkward for all of us
josh: please just stay. it's raining and like i said- dinners almost done
she gives in and steps in fully.
•••
we are all sitting at the table eating. me and jess on one side. kate on the other with brooke. and stella in jess's lap. i'm trying so hard not to stare at katelyn but i can't help it!! jess can't notice!
josh: babe can you um pass the salad?
both jessica and katelyn reach for the salad and all of our eyes go wide.
katelyn: um sorry i-
jess: no no it's fine. it was closer to you
kate passes me the salad and i eat quietly. the rest of the meal was awkward because it consisted of me glancing up to look at katelyn and jess definitely noticing.
•••
then we all went outside and sat and drank alcohol while the girls played with a ball next to us.
brooke: daddy can you throw it to us?
josh: ya sure
i get up and realize it's not the greatest idea to leave kate and jess. oh well. i go with brooke and stella and throw the ball to them.
stella: me!
i laugh and throw the ball to stella.
•••
around 10 kate leaves and the girls are watching a movie in the movie room. jess and i are sitting at the counter drinking.
jess: josh i think we should talk
i gulp already knowing she's gonna say something about katelyn. i nod and turn to face her a bit.
jess: you never look at me the way i saw you looking at her today.
josh: i-
jess: no you don't need to explain it. you can't help who you love
josh: but i do love you-
jess: i know. and i love you too. but you obviously love katelyn more.
i look down at my feet feeling terrible.
josh: i don't love her. i love you.
stop lying.
josh: i wanna be with you. what i had with katelyn is in the past. i promise. i'll stop speaking with her
jess: you guys have a child together.
josh: that doesn't mean i have to spend time with her. please. i really do love you
she sighs a bit.
jess: ok. i love you too
i stand up and hug her tightly. why am i lying to myself?
•••••••••••••••••••
