ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH?

Chapter Forty-Two

Five years ago...

"I AM CONFESSING BECAUSE... you've been a really great person in my life, Lily. You really are. Umaamin na ako because, you deserve the truth."

Kontrolado ni Lily ang galit. Mariing nakakuyom ang kanyang kamao habang matigas sa pagkakaupo sa solohang sofa. Magkaharap sila ng nobyong si Oliver sa isang table set malapit sa malaking pinto na patungo sa balkonahe. Abot-tanaw sa balkonaheng iyon ang kalapit na mga bahay pero tirik noon sa pwestong iyon ang araw. Kaya doon sila pumuwesto para mag-usap.

Hindi nagpaligoy-ligoy si Oliver. He just said those two words— I cheated.

Lily would usually put a good humor in connection to things that Oliver say. Why not? She was young back then. Everything that her lover says, she always choose to look at them in a positive light.

At first, she wanted to chuckle. She wanted to assume that Oliver meant he cheated on his diet. That he overate those huge burgers without inviting her to join him in his favorite restaurant. Pero sobrang seryoso ng mukha ng lalaki. Kahit gaano katigas ang anyo nito, tensyon ang nakaguhit sa mga mata ni Oliver. Kabado itong nag-aabang sa kanyang magiging reaksyon. And that deadly silence that grew between them already changed her mood. It was already a tell-tale sign that he was pertaining to something really serious.

To a problem.

It was a humid July afternoon. Ayaw niyang sabayan ng init ng ulo ang init ng panahon. Kaya heto at nagtitimpi si Lily.

"If I am a really great person, you won't do this shit, Oliver."

Nanatiling matatag ang binata. Lily knew he was only doing so to protect his stupid manly pride. Just to show a sign of vulnerability or fear over the reaction of a woman like her would fold him in humiliation. It was only in this moment when it began to sink in for her: Oliver is such a very, very pathetic man.

"Be honest now, Oliver. Ano ang ginawa kong masama sa'yo? I should have done something wrong for you to do this to me."

How she wished this was only a prank. Because the longer their conversation became, the more this dread clenched her heart— like a lung being suffocated. Lily controlled her breathing. Kung hindi, mauubusan siya agad ng hininga. Dahil oo, malaking insulto pero, nung panahong iyon, pakiramdam niya mamamatay na siya.

"Lily, huwag mong i-down ang sarili mo. Life just happens. Someone just suddenly comes along our way and changes everything. It's not entirely your fault. It's me, not you."

Lily was glaring at Oliver. Really pathetic. Sobrang gasgas na ng excuse na it's me, not you.

"And you're saying I deserve the truth?" she grew icier, her words are muttered low yet biting— a frost bite in the middle of a hot July afternoon. "Do you expect me to believe na 'yan talaga ang iniisip mo? That I deserve the truth?" Tumuwid siya ng pagkakaupo, perpekto ang pagkakabagsak ng kaka-blue dyed niyang buhok. "Don't be an insult to my IQ, Oliver. If you really think I deserve the truth, you.won't.cheat.on.me!" Her shoulders shook, smooth and bared by the white spaghetti strap top she was wearing. Lily slightly shook at her controlled emotional outburst. "You.won't.lie.to.me!"

But she already lost it. She snapped the moment she noticed how dead Oliver's eyes looked. It was as if he was only sitting through this conversation, staring at her, waiting for her to finally tell him to leave. Walang ka-effort-effort sa parte nito ang aluin siya. Ni humingi ng sorry, hindi pa rin nito nagagawa.

"I trusted you! I trusted you, Oliver! I even fucking gave up on my pills when you promised me na bubuo na tayo ng sarili nating pamilya!" She clenched her fists again, or else her anger would make her visible tremble. Ayaw niya. Tulad ng lalaki, may pride pa rin siyang pinaiiral. Ayaw niyang ipakita rito na matindi ang pinsalang dinulot ng lalaki sa buo niyang pagkatao. "Ang kapal ng mukha mo! Sa liit mong iyan, nagkaroon ka pa ng kapal ng mukha—"