In the Melancholy Moonlight

Chapter CLXXIX: Where Does the Time Go?

LUCY:

The Friday before the end of holidays ended, I made my way down to the common room early in the morning to find all of the tables littered with pamphlets and a new notice on the board. I had a feeling I knew what it all meant, but I walked over to the notice to investigate anyway.

CAREER ADVICE

All fifth years will be required to attend a short meeting with their Head of House during the first week of the Summer term, in which they will be given the opportunity to discuss their future careers. Times of individual appointments are listed below.

My stomach flipped uncomfortably. I didn't have the slightest clue what I would say, what I would do. I scanned the list and found that "Diggory, Lucy" fell right after "Brown, Lavender" and right before "Finnigan, Seamus." I was glad I would be between those two — they had (finally) broken up at the start of holidays, so it would have been more than a bit awkward for an encounter to occur between discussions of the future.

My amusement lasted only a second, though. The reality of the situation crashed over my head like a wave, and suddenly I felt small, so small. I adjusted my bookbag on my shoulder and marched out of the common room. I didn't want anything to do with any discussions of careers, and I didn't want to be found by anyone who would try to include me in those.

The sun was only just beginning to rise as I made my way out onto the grounds. I wanted to get away, as far away as I could, as if I could possibly outrun the concept of the future if I simply kept going and didn't stop and didn't look back.

Ultimately, my feet led me to the hill I'd visited three times in the past, all three times with Harry. On my birthday, six months later, and again when my werewolf magic had exploded out of me. I didn't explode that day. I receded inward.

I reached for a textbook, but it remained closed in front of me as I sat cross-legged on the grass and stared at the castle.

Every single person in that castle had dreams, plans, goals, futures.

I'd never allowed myself that luxury.

Every full moon could well be my last. No job would want me because of my condition. And on top of all of that, the destructive transformations aged werewolf bodies faster than human bodies, so I was destined to die young anyway. Dreaming was a luxury, and it was one I had never bothered to try to pursue. In my third year, Cedric had told me about his idea, and I thought that sounded like a good plan. Then I lost Cedric. Then I thought if I survived the grief, I'd just live with my parents until I figured out what to do. Then I lost my parents. Then I thought that I would stay until I graduated and go find my family and get a Muggle job.

But I couldn't exactly say that to anyone. I couldn't risk telling anyone else about my family, and the people who did already know about the Everlins would ask why I didn't want to stay in the wizarding world. Wizards fell in love with Muggles all the time in England, and they lived perfectly normal Muggle lives, at least until their child's Hogwarts letter appeared. I didn't know how to explain I couldn't possibly stay in a world that didn't want me to the only people in that same world who did want me.

I kicked my book aside and rested back against the grass, lacing my fingers behind my head and watching the April sun color the sky bit by bit by bit by bit. It was so nice being alone, where I knew I wasn't bothering anyone, where I knew I wasn't endangering anyone, where I knew I wasn't upsetting anyone, where I knew I wasn't worrying anyone.

Well. I thought maybe someone would get worried if he noticed I wasn't in the castle. But he had the Marauder's Map, so if he really wanted to find me, he could. I hoped he would wait, though, at least for a little while. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to say to explain myself, if anything.