In the Melancholy Moonlight

Dean Winchester Is Saved (AKA Where I've Been)

Hi hello! It's been a very long time since I've been here, so allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is Silience, or @.wheremyarmorends, or "the author of In the Melancholy Moonlight," or just Sarah. I'm an INFJ, an enneagram 4w5, a Hufflepuff, a Thunderbird, a child of Apollo, and a Gemini, if any of those mean anything to you. I haven't been on this account in far too long, and I'm so so so so sorry about that. Allow me to explain.

Long story short: roommate hell. You can skip to the bottom of this (the last two paragraphs, or even just the bullet point list) if you don't want the full story and you just want to know when I'm updating again.

Long story a little less short: my roommate for the past school year seemed nice enough at first, which is why I was able to update until last October, but after Halloween she became such a thorn in my side that I simply couldn't bring myself to write anymore no matter how many times I tried. It was like she somehow drained my life force. Like a Dementor. Except I couldn't cast a Patronus no matter how hard I tried. It was a small apartment, and she was loud and manipulative and demanding and mean and selfish and, on top of that, always in my business, and I was overwhelmed and miserable for the better part of the last eleven months. I tried to write when I was home for Christmas, but then I got sick. Then I tried to write again when I was home for spring break, but the dread of going back to the apartment (and school) at the end of that too-short break was just too much to handle and I spent that whole week in a quiet little bubble of misery. BUT I just got home on Saturday, finally done with school for six whole weeks, and I never have to go back to that apartment ever again because I found a new roommate for next year. And, to quote Sleeping At Last, "So I let go, and in this moment, I can breathe."

I'm skipping a lot of details of how truly terrible that situation was for the sake of not wasting everyone's time, but the gist of it is that my roommate sucked up so much of my emotional energy (and physical energy, truthfully, I don't think I ever once relaxed in that apartment because I was always so on edge when she was around) that I had nothing left for writing. With one exception, actually. Since I wasn't writing and don't really have any other hobbies, I ended up filling my (very limited) free time during the school year with watching Supernatural for the first time. All fifteen seasons in just under five months — and boy, do I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about that show, if anyone wants to talk about it. Anyway. I wrote a tiny post-15x20(ish) fix-it one-shot a couple of weeks ago, and you can find it on AO3 if you feel so inclined. I genuinely have no idea if it's any good or not, but it does exist and it was posted.

Anyway, speaking of Supernatural, that's obviously what inspired the title of this journal entry. I've had this one line — "Dean Winchester is saved" — looping through my head ever since I got back home. Comparing my escape from my bad roommate situation to Dean's rescue from hell is overdramatic, I'll admit, but I feel all of the same relief and shame and confusion and reluctance that Dean felt when he crawled out of that grave. Relief, because I'm free. Shame, because I let my roommate manipulate me and walk all over me for far too long. Confusion, because I don't think it's fully hit me yet that I'm free and never have to go back. Reluctance, because I'm not sure how to be who I used to be. Not yet. But I'll figure it out, and I know that reclaiming the part of my identity tied to my writing is the next big step. So here I am, taking it.

Soooo I'm guessing if you're reading this, you're wondering when I will start publishing Moonlight again. The answer is AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! I'm not kidding, as soon as I click publish on this, I'm going to pick up right where I left off in Chapter 184. I've given myself the deadline of August 17th — I'm going to write as much as humanly possible over the course of the next week, then on August 17 I'm going to publish whatever I have written, which will be at LEAST one long chapter (because Chapter 184 is only about 25% done and already 11 pages) and one "Dear Cedric" type of chapter. After that, my goal is to publish at least one chapter per week, posting on Wednesdays. I don't know if I'll ever get back to the "two chapters a week" schedule I had going for a while there, but I want to get back to having a schedule, starting with a "one chapter a week" goal and adjusting from there. So! If you are at all interested in my return, feel free to mark your calendars for 12 AM PST on August 17th, because that is when I will publish anything and everything I have written, and I will officially be back.

In the meantime, I will do my best to reply to everyone's very kind (and often concerned) comments. Thank you so much for caring about me even when I was radio silent, it means the absolute world. I'll admit I'm very overwhelmed, feeling a bit like I'm crawling out of a grave into blinding sunlight (hello, Dean Winchester), so please be patient since it might take a couple of days to get around to replying to everyone. But I will, and if anybody wants to send me a message, I'll reply to those too! ANYWAY, thank you so much to everyone who stuck around to read all of that. The big takeaways are as follows:

I was in an absolutely hellish roommate situation beginning in September 2021 and ending recently.I watched Supernatural with the time I would have spent writing, so I've got the brain rot and will talk about that show for hours if prompted. (My favorite characters are Jack, Charlie, Bobby, Cas, and Dean and my favorite episode is 8x20, if that means anything to anyone.)I'm overwhelmed so I will be a bit slow to adjust to being on this account again, but I am determined to begin publishing one chapter every Wednesday beginning on August 17th.AUGUST 17TH! CHAPTERS 184 AND 185 (AND MAYBE MORE)! 12 AM PST! SEE YOU THEN!Thank you for your patience and your love. You are all the best, and I've genuinely missed you all so much. See you soon!