In the Melancholy Moonlight

Chapter XCVII: Buttons

LUCY:

I pulled the door shut behind me half a second before bitter tears clawed their way up my throat. Hidden from everyone, I let the tears fall as I sank to the ground.

As I cast the silencing charm that would allow me to cry as loudly as I wanted without being interrupted by any concerned people, I realized with a sting how anticlimactic that was. A minute ago, I had been thrilled at the prospect of making the first spell I performed one against Draco. I didn't want to hurt him. I wasn't cruel, at least not that cruel. No, I wanted to do something that would force him to think twice before bullying anyone ever again. I wanted to... I wanted to... I wanted to stand up for myself for once in my life. I had done it once, escaping the cave...

It was when I saw his awful, smirking face, when I heard his awful, drawling voice that I suddenly remembered why one of the voices in the caves sounded so familiar.

Lucius Malfoy.

A white-hot flash of anger.

A furious scream escaped me before I could stop it. I jumped to my feet and slammed my fists against the wall.

A sudden rush of sorrow.

I choked on my own sobs and crumpled to the ground again.

It was a vicious cycle, and I had no control.

No control at all.

My eyes landed on my backpack on the other end of the small changing room, and I pushed myself to my feet.

I yanked my Muggle sweater over my head and slipped out of my Muggle slacks. I pulled the skirt on easily enough, the socks too, and tied my shoes with a charm.

But the buttons...

My fingers trembled too badly. I didn't know a charm that would do it for me.

A white-hot flash of anger.

"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!" I shouted into the empty room. "I'M- ARGH!"

A sudden rush of sorrow.

"I'm hopeless," I whispered, the tears starting yet again.

I staggered against the wall, hitting the back of my head a little too hard.

A white hot flash of anger.

"OW!"

A sudden rush of sorrow.

"Ow..."

My knees gave way, and I slid down the wall to the ground. Shirt still unbuttoned. Head still pounding.

But the storm was silent. The eye of the hurricane. I stared at the ground, tracing the pattern on the carpet with my eyes, thinking of nothing and no one whatsoever.

After a while, a knock at the door.

"Lucy? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," I lied in a voice that sounded nothing like mine.

"Lucy?" the voice asked more urgently.

"I'm fine, Ginny," I lied.

"Lucy, I'm coming in."

"I said I'm f-"

The door burst open, and Ginny looked around, red ponytail whipping back and forth before her eyes landed on me. She closed the door behind her and dropped to a knee.

"What happened? Are you okay? Why didn't you answer me?"

I slapped my hand to my forehead. "Sorry. Forgot about the silencing charm I put up."

"It's alright, I know how to unlock locked doors," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "I was just worried something had happened when you didn't come back for half an hour."

"Half an hour?" I echoed disbelievingly.

She nodded. "So what's up? Why haven't you come back?"

I realized with a surge of panic that my midriff was fully exposed, though Ginny hadn't noticed yet. I pulled my unbuttoned shirt around myself, and she suddenly understood.

"Oh, were your fingers shaking too much to button the shirt? Is that it?"

I nodded, not wanting to explain further. She could probably see the tear tracks on my cheeks and figure out the rest.

"Alright, that's okay." She tucked her wand into her pocket and held up her hands, wiggling her fingers. "Mine don't shake. Let me do it."

I made sure the buttons fully overlapped so she wouldn't see my bite scar. I doubted she would recognize it for what it was, but I wasn't taking any chances whatsoever. Insecurity made my cheeks burn, but she didn't seem to notice. Or care. Or perhaps a combination of the two. Soon, my shirt was buttoned and my Gryffindor tie was secured around my neck with the robes to match.

"Thanks, Ginny," I said, cheeks still burning.

"Of course," she replied. She reached up with both of her hands — I was finally taller than her again — and tapped my cheeks. "Stop being embarrassed. You know that everyone in that compartment would do anything for you, right? Not to mention Fred and George, or Mum and Dad, or anyone else in the Order, for that matter?"

When I hesitated, she narrowed her eyes at me.

"Well, they would. We would. Look, Lucy, I'm not stupid. I know whatever just happened was about a lot more than Draco Malfoy being an arse as always, or not being able to button your shirt. And I know Professor Lupin wants you to talk in your own time, not ours, but just... think about it, okay? Think about letting us in?"

"Ginny, I..." I swallowed hard. "There's just so much people don't understand about what happened-"

"And we won't ever be able to understand until you start to tell us," she said simply. "Just think about it, okay?"

"Okay."

She smiled, satisfied, and ducked out the door, gesturing for me to follow her.

I lingered in the room for a second.

I think that was a lie.

I'd rather not tell anyone, ever.

I slung my backpack over my shoulder and followed her back to the compartment.