In the Melancholy Moonlight

Chapter LXXII: I Only See Clouds

It feels like falling
It feels like rain
Like losing my balance
Again and again
It once was so easy
Breathe in, breathe out
But at the foot of this mountain
I only see clouds

LUCY:

His death left me frozen in place, frozen in time. The world, however, didn't freeze. It rushed past me, dragging me along, and I couldn't seem to breathe properly no matter what I did.

Before I knew it, I was standing in the dormitory bathroom, a crumpled piece of parchment in one hand and a mascara wand in the other. My hand shook so violently I poked myself in the eye when I tried to apply it, and I couldn't hold back a cry of frustration.

Lavender hurried into the room. "Lucy? Are you alright?"

"I c-can't do my own mascara," I managed, willing away the tears trying to spring to my eyes. "W-Would you mind-"

"Here," she said gently, turning my face toward her. She took the mascara from my hand and twirled it against my eyelashes. "Do you want any other makeup? At least maybe a little bit, to cover these up?" She traced the dark circles under my eyes, and I studied my reflection in the mirror.

"I can't go out there looking like this," I replied. "I-I don't want to look like I'm wearing makeup, but I-I can't look like... like this, either."

Lavender nodded. "I understand. Accio makeup bag!"

The bag from the Yule Ball flew into her hand, and she immediately dug out my foundation and began applying it.

"You can do this, Lucy," she murmured. "It'll be over before you know it, then you can wipe all of this makeup off and sleep as long as you'd like."

"Thank you," I whispered, clenching tighter the piece of parchment in my hand. On it was a eulogy I'd written for the best person I'd ever known. For the person I had always counted on. For the person I had always turned to when the world turned upside down.

But this time, the world was upside down and there was no him to turn to.

The thought brought tears to my eyes, and Lavender abruptly stopped sweeping the brush over my face.

"Look at me," she said.

I obeyed, blinking rapidly to try to prevent the tears from falling.

"That's it. Just hold it together a little bit longer. You're doing so well."

She resumed with the brush, and I forced myself to focus on every detail of the sensation. Anything to stop me from thinking about what I was about to do.

When we emerged from the bathroom, Hermione was waiting.

"Parvati went to be with Padma," she said to Lavender. "They're down in the common room."

Lavender nodded and headed down the stairs, tossing my makeup bag onto my bed.

Hermione turned to look at me, and offered a weak smile. "You look better."

"Amazing what a little makeup can do, isn't it?" I remarked, remembering all too well the last time I'd said that. After the Yule Ball, when we were up far too late whispering about how amazing the night had been, even if it hadn't ended the way we expected. Merlin. That felt like a lifetime ago.

I felt the world starting to spin. My vision blurred.

Hermione rushed forward and grabbed me by the elbow.

"Breathe," she said.

I tried. In. Out. In. Out. Still the world spun.

Hermione's grip tightened. "Lucy, we need to go. It's starting in ten minutes. Ginny's waiting in the common room for us."

But her voice sounded far away. All I could see was a blur of red in front of me. All I could feel was the sting of grief inside of me.

I feel out of focus
Or at least indisposed
As this strange weather pattern
Inside me takes hold
Each brave step forward
I take three steps behind
It's mind over matter
Matter over mind

"Sorrow"
Sleeping At Last