In the Melancholy Moonlight

Chapter XCVIII: The First Step

HARRY:

The second Lucy returned, I could tell she had been crying. But Ginny was acting like nothing had happened whatsoever, so I figured I should follow her lead and do the same.

Lucy didn't speak again the rest of the ride. She was completely and utterly lost in her own thoughts. She stroked Tuck's ears, but didn't engage at all in the conversation that flowed around the cart. When Hermione suggested the rest of us change, she suddenly snapped from her daze, eyes going wide with panic as she glanced out the window.

"What is it?" I asked quietly, not wanting to attract anyone else's attention in case that made her panic more.

She didn't look away from the window, only shaking her head in response. I didn't press her, and her gaze remained fixed on the window as the rest of us changed in the compartment.

Once the train stopped, Ron and Hermione ducked out of the carriage to help organize everything. Neville and Ginny and Luna gathered their belongings and slipped from the compartment into the crowd, but Lucy remained frozen in place. Her hands no longer stroked Tuck's ears. She stared out the window, even though there was nothing to see except endless darkness.

I got Hedwig's cage down, then lowered myself onto the seat next to Lucy, this time the one between her and the window.

"What is it?" I asked again.

Her eyes didn't meet mine, didn't leave the window, but she offered an answer the second time.

"Harry, this feels too much like moving on." Tears sprang to her eyes. "Everything this summer was just like something out of someone else's life. It just felt like a separate story. None of it felt real, none of it feels real." She was talking faster and faster, though she still hadn't moved save the tears racing down her cheeks. "But now, if I get off this train, I have to acknowledge that he won't be at the Hufflepuff table at dinner and he won't fall asleep in the bed next to Henry tonight and he won't be at the Hufflepuff table at breakfast and he won't be going to class and he won't be announcing the Quidditch training schedule and helping the first years find their classes and..." She squeezed her eyes shut, clenching her fists. "This feels too much like moving on, but I'm not ready, I don't want to."

I reached forward and wiped away a tear with my thumb.

"I'm sorry," I said, then shook my head. "Merlin, sorry, I hate that, I hate when people say that. That was the worst possible-" I tried again. "I don't really want to get off, either. I'm worried about Siri- Snuffles. I'm worried that everyone will still be staring at me the way they did last June. I'm worried that Neville will douse us all in stinksap again by accident."

She opened her eyes, the slightest hint of a smile on her face. "Stinksap's not poisonous, though."

"Yeah, but it didn't smell fantastic either, did it?"

"No, it didn't."

I released a small sigh, running my fingers through my hair. "Look, Lu, you're not the only one who would rather... I don't know. Go back in time? Stay here forever?"

"I just don't want to move on," she whispered. "This feels too much like moving on, moving forward."

I rose to my feet and held out a hand. "That's okay. You don't have to move on by yourself. We can take the first step together."

Lucy glanced up at me, an odd expression on her face. She inhaled slowly, blinked, then accepted my hand and let me pull her up.

The two of us made our way off the train in silence. I eagerly listened for Hagrid's familiar call of "Firs' years over here, firs' years!"