thoughts & feelings

mother

i wish i had a nice mum
one that loves me
or believes me when i tell her im sick
or believes me in general,
doesnt accuse me of shit

i wish i had a good mum
one thats proud of me
instead of throwing everything back in my face
and telling me i need to do better
im doing my best, okay?

all i want is a nice mum
not even nice, just not horrible
one that doesnt make me suicidal
a mum that doesnt make me want to slit my writs
and write my death note with my own blood
one that doesnt body shame me
to the point i starve
and lose too much weight- even at christmas
cause who looses weight at christmas?
my mums daughter, thats who
the daughter of the person i hate but love at the same time

i want to love my mum
the way she hates me
i dont even know what i did
why does she despise me??
is it the way i dress?
how i look?
the colour of my hair?
my grades?
is it everything about me?
or everything i dont have?
i guess ill never know - she wont tell me
only make me wish i was dead,
and reminds me of her lack of love for me.