thoughts & feelings

1:31

im tired
of being awake, of being alive,
of just being here
i just want to disappear
ive got no purpose in this world
what am i here for?
honestly, i dont know anymore

they tried to tell me that it gets easier
or I'll get stronger
but everything feels so much harder
and im only going to get weaker
and everyday it gets more clear
that i shouldnt be the one left here

its 1:42
and im thinking of you
what couldve been more late night conversations
instead turned into a bad poem's inspiration
why am i still here without you?
i wish it would work when i tried to join you.

im still sorry for what happened
i didnt mean to hurt you,
you know that, right?
i never wanted to make you cry
but i think i did
and i cant even change it now,
even if i could, i wouldnt know how
you've been gone for so long-
its not like i can bring you back

and i know i need to let you go
but part of me still hopes youre still here

and now it's 1:50AM
and im crying again
will i ever be happy living on without you?
or will i just have to lie
pretend its all fine
i need you back here so so badly
i know theres nothing i can do
apart from wish it was me
or pray it wasnt you

and now im thinking back
to when everything got worse
it was 1:31
and they told me you were gone.