thoughts & feelings

permanent

i want my feelings to be permanent
i want them to be felt,
and to stay as they are
not pushed away
and changed
until they morph into something new
i want my feelings to be permanent

i want to feel chaotic
but i also want to be calm
i want to be free,
but i have a need to be controlled
and i want to own how i feel,
but i want to feel like im owned
i want my feelings to be permanent.

i want to feel everything
but i dont want to feel anything
i can only handle my feelings when they're
not at all
or
all at once
i want my feelings to be permanent

my emotions fluctuate
like the ocean,
up and down
left to right
swirling round and round
like a whirlpool of thoughts
from zero to a hundred
either everything at once, or nothing at all
i want my feelings to be permanent

i want to find permanence in my fluctuating emotions
i dont want it to be all-or-nothing
i want one at a time,
never none,
never a hundred
i want my feelings to be permanent