thoughts & feelings

manipulate

i wish i could manipulate the way my brain works
take it out,
change parts,
take some out, put different bits in
perform a lobotomy on myself

i hate feeling like this
i want to change the way my brain works
'cause if im not being manipulated,
clearly, im not being loved
and if im not being loved, they're going to leave
and if they're going to leave, ill pull myself away now

ill detach myself
cut my emotions off
numb myself from everything
because clearly,
if im not being manipulated,
im not being loved
and if im not being loved,
theyll leave me soon
so i might as well pull away

and if im pulling away,
i might as well love-bomb first
make sure i have nothing left to say
give them all the love in my brain
cause why should i leave things unsaid?
they're leaving soon, anyway

oh god, its been a while
that haven't left yet
yet im here, sabotaging is all
love-bombing,
then going silent for days
maybe im the problem?

and now I'm stopping to think,
do i feel unloved because im not being manipulated?
or simply, have i become the manipulator?
am i destroying them, the way everyone else destroys me?

i wish i could manipulate the way my brain works
take it out,
change parts,
take some out, put different bits in
perform a lobotomy on myself
i know if im not being manipulated,
im not being loved
but i became the manipulator
and now i cant stop