thoughts & feelings

numb

as much as i look at you,
and want to feel nothing,
i hate feeling numb,
that sinking feeling of emptiness
the feeling of feeling nothing
the way that not even my heart feels a slight sinking feeling
like i know it should
or how i wish it would

i hate that i still look at you
when you raise the corners of your own lips
and put almost no effort whatsoever
into whats really a pathetic excuse for a smile
but i still smile back
though i dont mean it,
really, i want to sob when i see you
or scream and yell
and ask you "why?"
instead i just greet you,
and try to act like i couldnt care less
and i think to myself,
are you turning this into a competition?
of who can act like they can care less,
or who can forget about the other faster?
i know you'll probably win,
yourr competitive,
yet almost entirely unforgettable
in the most negative way ever.