thoughts & feelings

sometimes?

sometimes, when im up late
i start to think about you,
about us,
like how i ran away when things got hard
but how you had left long before that
and how when i left, neither of us cared anymore
but you still had to act like you did
so we could have one last fight before i left

and sometimes, i start to miss you
miss us,
how toxic you were
but in a way,
it was perfect for us
we were good with each other
there was commitment without cause
and unsaid promise
that we could fuck around and hurt each other
without there being any consequence

and i think about if i want something like that again
i swore i never would
but when i think about it, it was perfect
because i was happy -
if happiness is constant confusion-
and i never knew how you felt
but if i was to ask, would i want to know?