Even Heroes Have Scars

[90] Change You

Ansley's P.O.V.

Everything was so confusing with Demi. I didn't even really know where we stood after out argument in L.A. She'd become this completely different person, the kind that was too busy being intoxicated to even talk to her own girlfriend. I didn't understand her, honestly. I couldn't understand how she got from Point A to Point B, from struggling with an eating disorder to breaking a six-year-long sobriety. She'd been so proud of herself, and she'd accomplished so much, but it still wasn't enough. She used to confide in me all the time. She trusted me with things she didn't dare mention to anyone else, and now we'd gone more than an entire week without talking, aside from when I showed up in L.A. The last time we went this long without speaking was when she went on the world tour right after we broke up in 2014. Did she not want to talk to me? Was I not worthy of her time and efforts and care?

As far as my music was going, everything was well. I'd recorded two more songs and written another in the span of four days; it helped that I had the entire week off of work, as I assumed I'd be sticking around in L.A. a little while longer to be with Demi.

May was coming over every day to help with songwriting, and so far it seemed like we already had half an album. Most songs were about Demi, but one was even about Dawson.

It was weird to think of him. Sometimes he just didn't exist to me anymore. My brother and I were blessed with the gift of looking like my mother and not him. Most of my scars from that time of my life were faded enough to forget about, and I'd nourished myself enough to not even look like how I did when he died. He wasn't someone I spent much time thinking about. Hell, he wasn't much of a person at all. But still, I had to wonder: would he be proud of me for how far I've come?

No, of course he wouldn't be. The only thing he had pride in was himself and his ability to make everyone else's lives a living hell. He was too shitty to ever feel anything more than hatred towards me and my brother.

The song I wrote about him was called My House, and it was about feeling like he was still invading my life, even though he was gone, and how I wasn't letting him control my life anymore.

One of the songs I wrote about Demi was called Fire, which was about me fearing the public no longer supporting Demi after Demi would eventually have to tell the world about her sobriety. I didn't want her to lose all of her fans, but this was something she was doing to herself. Not to mention the amount of people on her team and in her inner circle that would undoubtably abandon her as well, like Phil. The world's reaction would be to her own actions, and there was nothing I could do about it. Consequences.

Some of the lyrics from Fire were:

"Don't blame your death
On the shit in your head that you claimed ate you like a virus for days on end.
Watched you decay,
Watched you waste away
Who'd you think you'd fool, baby, digging your own grave?"

Another set of lyrics from the song were:

"You can't rewind,
When you're choking on your own dirt begging for your life
Your bridges are burning
And all the tables are turning
You started a fire, yeah, you're burning up"

They were dark and harsh, and I feared that, when the song would be released, Demi would instantly know it was about her. But then I reminded myself that this was my life, too. She would inevitably lose people due to her own actions, but she was in control of this situation, and the only thing I could do was just watch it happen. Of course, I'd still stick by her side. I wouldn't let her throw us away like that. I loved her, and I wished she didn't have to deal with this. But it was happening either way.