Bittersweet | GonKillu

Meltdowns and reconnecting

".. I said yeah. All you said is true." Killua said, I gazed all around his face for any tells of a joke. There was none. My lip quivered, ".... K-killua..." I let out pathetically, whimpering to myself. He just sighed and looked at me, ".. I said yes, but I.... want you to change. I'd... not leave you for a stranger. Ok..?" He said softly, and my eyes widened quietly, oh. "... You p-promise?" I ask, holding his face in my hands, "... Yeah.. sure..." he replied, giving me a quick kiss.

"But, this is the last time I'm forgiving you." He said tiredly, rubbing his forehead. I nodded quickly in response and he sighed. "... And I know you went through my phone." He added on, and I paused. I- when? What? He saw the look of confusion on my face and shrugged, ".... it was on read. I'm not dumb, Gon" I looked away quietly, "... I'm sorry" I say again, "I'm sorry... so sorry.." I choked out like a broken record, and Killua just looked at me, ".. it's fine. You just were... I don't know anymore... What excuses can you think of-?" he chuckled darkly, "... I dont know if your manipulating me still! If your tears are still just a facade!" A wide smile formed on his face as he chuckled hysterically, "Who knows, maybe you don't even love me!"

"... Killua no... I... I do love you.." I say, feeling numbness now. "Oh- is that a lie? I don't know! Do you just want to get in my pants, hm? Is that it?" He chuckled more, but his lips quivered. I was frozen, lips moving to deny but I couldn't. Dread consumed my whole body. Tears started to stain down his face, ".... So it's true, huh? Well- go ahead! Use me like my FUCKING brother and LEAVE-" he said, looking at me with unreadable dark blue eyes. I choked over my own thoughts, only able to stare into his eyes. I suddenly felt a new emotion towards him, fear. His eyes looked on the bridge on insanity, mind corrupting itself with paradoxes of our relationship.

"... K-killua... no... I... w-what..." I said, not wanting his mental health to crash again. I pulled him into a tight hug and he froze. More tears fell down his cheeks as he caved in and sobbed heavily, hugging tightly, "... I-im the sorry Gon..! I... i-if I wasn't.... If I d-didn't need to be loved by you s-so bad, Illumi wouldn't have..." he croaked put in between sobs, "... You wouldn't b-be so messed up..! IT'S ALL MY FAULT, GON- ITS MY FAULT YOU'RE LIKE THIS-!" he choked out, and I could only be silent and hug him close. He.. blames himself for what I've become? I held him close, that's all I can do.

Killua's POV:

.... It has always been my fault. Nanika's death. Alluka being beaten every day as we were kids. Kalluto being so scared of being yelled at, he never leaves his room. It all is because of ME. And now.... Gon has changed for the worst BECAUSE OF ME- how... how am I such a burden to all the people in my life... everyone I love gets hurt.... by ME. Gon held me close as I clung onto him for my life. I was crying so much I thought I was going to drown on my own tears. My throat became raw and burned with my cries, and eventually my eyes dried up as I dry cried on gon's shoulder. .... I ruined his shirt. I sniffled a few times, embarrassed I had a literal emotional breakdown while clinging to my best friend like a fucking toddler. He rubbed my back as he realized I began to calm down, and he leaned back to lay us down. I still hesitantly clinged to his body, and he cuddled on me.

"... Hey Killua. I'm always here for you, ok..?" He said softly, and I believed it. Damn... I need to believe it. I need to believe that everything will go back to normal, no more drama. Gon was here for me. And I'm nothing but useless to him. ".... Gon" I said, throat weak from my show of shameful vulnerability. "Yes..?" He said softly, and I paused, inhaling his comforting scent. "... I want to do it" I stated quietly, and Gon froze, "... Killua. Normally I'd be over the moon for that, but..." had started and pulled away to look at my overly tired and exacerbated face. Pink covered over pale, eyes puffy from crying my eyes out. I probably look like such a mess...

"... You literally just had a mental breakdown. That's not special in a good way for our first time" He said, kissing gently over my face as if those kisses were seal's to protect my happiness. "... Sunshine..." I said softly, and he paused to look at my face, ".... A nickname...?" He said, pure curiosity radiating off his buoyant slightly opened mouth. I gently kissed him, and pressed our foreheads together, "... My beautiful sunshine... your back..." I said, taking in all the familiar pureness he used to display before the incident. He smiled  velvety and cuddled me close, enjoying my grasp. I smiled widely, my sunshine is back.

"..... I love you. I love you so much... your always here for me..." I say, bittersweetly snuggling my sunshine close. "Awe... Killu... I love you too..!" He coo'd, and I nuzzled him lovingly. He giggled and nuzzled me back. This is what I wanted out of us. This warmth. Pureness.

"Hey, so... does this mean in the theoretical future you'd be ok for..." Gon said quietly, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully. I chuckled softly, "... Maybe." I said, placing a kiss on his cheek. "... come on. Take a nap with me, I'm tired still." "Oh but you hibernated this WHOLE day- why should I let you indulge in such quantity of dreams? You might like it better there then in my arms-" he joked around dramatically, and I giggled at that, "Oh but you are a dream. My dream boy" I replied, and he awe'd at me.

It's back to normal now.... right?