Bittersweet | GonKillu

Fears x and x tears

Gon's POV:

I woke up soon, a killer headache storming and beating down in my skull- fuck that hurts so bad... I groggily looked around, and noticed I was tucked into my bed at my house- when did we leave the party-?

Then I noticed Killua was dozing off next to me, peaceful and quiet. I rubbed my head and layed back down deciding to cuddle on Killua to feel better. He was still asleep, but a smile crept onto his face and he cuddled me closely. Awe... Then I started to remember, oh right Killua and that one boy.... Nothing serious right? I hope atleast...

I care about Killua. Deeply. I don't want him to be in a relationship... it sounds selfish but I don't want anyone to have my Killua to theirself. I'm possessive anyways, I'm sure he's the same way with me- the possessive part, not the me being single part. He's my wingman, and 100% supports me being with someone. I hummed, then realized that I don't remember what happened after I drank at the party- did I black out? Did i... get drunk?

I need to know- so I shake Killua awake, and he says random words to himself in surprise as I stir him from his dream, "...w.. what?" He yawned, and I whimpered, "Killua- I have a question" he nodded, "ask away-" another yawn followed. "... What happened last night?" I ask curiously, and he thought for a second, then a intense blush covered his cheeks, "Oh I um.. I had to keep you away when you were drunk, then um.. stuff happened and... Bisky drove us home!" He chuckled awkwardly, holding back information.

I grumble, "Killua- im not in the mood to deal with your inconsistent re-tellings- tell me the fucking truth" He gulped thickly, "I u-um.... We... made o-out and..." he whimpered to himself, shame and fear washing over his body. We just kissed? What else? "Tell me" I said, not taking his bullcrap. He whimpered some more, and pulled down the collar of his sleep shirt to reveal.... a hickey? The fuck? Did I do that?

I froze in surprise, and Killua just looked like he was scared for his life, each movement of mine was tracked nervously by his eyes, as if he's worried I'll slap him or something. "... Killua I'm sorry... ok? It must have been... well... Ok I have no excuse, I uh... did it... hurt?" I say, awkwardly. He looked away and nervously clenched his knees to his chest, "... N-no Gon... I u-uh.... i-it was fine... your fine..." He whispered out.

"You sure? Your my best friend I didn't want to have hurt you- that's all I worry about, and well... besides the point that we made out and apparently went to that point... did i... do that forcefully or did you let me?" I inquired, and he stammered, "I... u-uh... well. I... you... um...", I sighed, "proper words. Speak" he froze, "... I let you..." He whimpered out, obviously ashamed. It looked like he was used to being lectured and feared my response.

".... We will talk about that later. You and I are just friends, and that's all we ever will be" I say, not in a good mood due to my head aching like a drill going through my head and vibrations achoung through it like empty catacombs. He just looked dejected and hurt, staring at the blanket blankly. Great, now he feels bad and it's my fault- I groan and just get up, "I'm leaving-" I announce and leave the room.

Killua's POV:

He said it. I know we are just friends, I didn't do it to him-!! He did IT to ME! I whimpered anyways though, having a bad dream anyways prior to bring woken up like this... Gon must hate me now... I'm useless again... I pushed it tkk far... I gulp thickly with guilt and get up heavily.

I head over to the counter where my meds are, and grab my anti-depressants. I stared at the dosage amount. Fuck this. I slowly opened the cap, shaking out 4 pills. It says only 2, but I might do something worse then slightly overdose if I don't feel happier... With a glass of cold, fresh water, I gulped down the pills and layed in bed squeezing a pillow tightly in a hug- What can I do to make Gon not hate me anymore..?

I whimpered, and tears spilled out of the sides of my eyes. All I wanted at the time was to be loved- and I though he loved me too... But as he said now that we are only friends and will never be more then that... My whole body trembled, it's not my FUCKING FAULT IM IN LOVE WITH HIM- I stifle a sob, a continued one from the night before after the other incident. Why am I the one this all fucking HAPPENS TO? I JUST WANT HIM TO LOVE ME- WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LOVE ME-? I clenched the pillow even closer to me and stuff my face into it in a effort to silence my sobs, but it didn't work. I'm all alone again...

I loved him, I still do. I thought yesterday that maybe... there was... even a hint of true affection.. a part of Gon that wanted me as much as I want him.. but... nothing ever works out, hm? Heaven doesn't exist... Neither does true love... Or atleast not for Killua Zoldyck. I choke in my tears, my face warm and wet, and my arms shaking with anguish.

I sniffle a few times, the liquid in my nose drawing back a bit... In this situation, there isnt a positive lighting.... I just need sleep, yeah... I'm tired anyways.. I close my tired and weak eyes and try to rest. Maybe in the future, he might give me a chance to prove to him I'm worthy of his love...

But maybe I'm not worthy.