Harry || h.s.

4.2- Harry

dinner with my family always felt as if I was sitting through the thickest tension id ever experience in my life. Rosie had said it never use to feel that way, the silence never lasted longer than it took someone to take a sip of their drink. but fletcher and I had changed that.

my teeth worried at the inside of my lip over and over, food hardly touched as I sat there. Rosie next to me trying to keep up a conversation with the rest of the table. fletcher not looking up from his plate as he moved his fork around pushing his food back. under the table I felt Rosie's hand slip to my thigh, the comfort finding its way to me through the light squeeze she did before she moved her hand away again.

I wanted to leave even if I had nothing against the rest of my family. I'm sure the dinner would have been nice if I hadn't been sitting across from fletcher who took every measure not to look my way or acknowledge that I was there. but the tension was suffocating me.

I helped Karen clean up and soon after stepped outside into the backyard to take a breath. it was dark, the pool lights on casting a blue glow onto the patio. the air nipping at my skin as I watched the water shining.

I didn't even hear the glass door slide open as I stood there. goosebumps rose over my arms as I crossed them watching the way the water moved without moving much at all. I jumped the slightest bit at the sound of my father's voice as he muttered, "can we talk?"

I looked at him as he moved to stand beside me. I nodded not saying anything as I turned to look back at the water.

"I um I'm not looking for a response but I need to get some things off my chest," he whispered, his voice unlike I had ever heard it before and it made me turn to look at him again. wrinkles now set in the corner of his eyes, skin pale in the blue light from the pool, hair white at the roots as he watched the water intently.

"I honestly think that the time away from you with no contact was like when you were born. I didn't speak with your mother after that time, I was ashamed for cheating on fletchers mother and I wanted nothing to do with the situation after that night even if I had loved your mother for years. It's why I don't judge you if you knew or didn't about sam I did the same in another lifetime. but I know you're a better man than I am or ever will be, I never went back to your mother as much as I wanted to because I was a coward. too afraid to confess what I had done to Rachel, too worried what it would look like if I left with anna." he cleared his throat as I took in what he was saying. my nails digging into my biceps, goosebumps rising on my neck as I watched him before turning back to watch the water.

"Rachel and I had tried for years to have a baby but in that time I lost whatever made me want to stay and have a family with her but if I'm being honest I never wanted that, I was young, and in a marriage I regretted. I know it's fucked up. I love fletcher, I love you, and I love the twins, id never give you all up, not now but when I was younger, married right out of high school to a girl that I barely knew, a baby was the last thing I wanted. but you had time away from Rosie, to meet new people, and grow just like she must have but I was stuck in a small town. and you came back, knowing or not. I don't think...I don't think I would have known you at all if anna hadn't gotten into her accident if I hadn't been the only one you could turn to. it's hard for me to confess but at the time it was true, I was stupid, willing to hide and lie and cheat. and your mother forgave me, understood, just like Rosie did. if you knew, if you didn't, she forgave you, she understood." he swallowed the sound loud even as I was turned away from him, "I knew and chose to stay away knowing fully when I could have married your mother when I had the chance, divorced my pregnant wife then leave. so I know in so many ways that you, your brothers will always be better men than me. and I'm sorry, for everything. when Rosie came to us, shaking and crying I could see your mother when she told me she was pregnant with you when I told her not to call, not to write, not to look at me ever again. I was an asshole, worst than an asshole. your mother had no one until she had you. I knew that and still left her, left you. you truly where your mother's life, truly i- I'm sorry harry."

I felt my jaw tighten, the thought of my mother struggling to make ends meet when I was a child always fresh in my mind, my mother was so loving, so kind, used up by my father, and tossed away like trash. I had been tossed right along with her. and she had never said anything bad about him. and when I had been brought to the hospital to say goodbye to her for the last time she wasn't worried that he wouldn't take me in.

"the first time I saw you, it all changed, because I knew that I had to take you in. she had forgiven me for leaving her, leaving you. it didn't matter if I would lose my marriage because I didn't care for it but I needed to step up for you, repay anna for having to go through raising you alone while I played house with Rachel. and even if she forgave me I will never forgive myself, I thought for a long time when I first brought you home that I had fucked up both you and fletcher bad. ripped you both from your mothers to stay with a new sibling. you both hated each other as much as you hate each other now,"

"I don't hate him, and I didn't hate him then," I mutter my tone short as I felt my jaw tighten. "my mother had just died in front of me, I met a stranger who happened to be my long lost father, met a boy who hated me for what our father had done, hated me for simply existing in the aftermath of your mistakes. you didn't even try to bring us together, you let Rachel hate me, you let fletcher hate me, you left me alone just like mom. you didn't even care my mother died, didn't care about my grief. and when Rachel left you, left fletcher, me and him finally became somewhat understanding of each other. that was all different than this, fletcher hates me for doing what his mom did to him. and I was an asshole for leaving but I didn't know about sam. I wouldn't have done what you did to me, wouldn't have done what you did to my mother to Rosie. because when I tell someone I love them I mean it, I love Rosie, and if I had known I would have never done what I did,"

"I know son, I know because you're nothing like me. because you're like Anna,"

I felt my chin quiver at the thought, I felt nothing like my mother. in every way, I felt as if I was just like my father, felt as if he was explaining to me how much we were alike. but I wanted to change that, wanted to see what Rosie said she saw in me, what my father said he saw in me. "I moving here to stay with Rosie and sam," I say rolling my shoulders back trying to let the words my father spilled fall away from my mind. "I want- I think I want to ask her to marry me, "I confess not knowing what filled me with the courage to say the thought aloud.

my father's hand lands on my shoulder, stiff and warm as I turn to look at him, "I'm glad to hear that, you know I love Rosie, she is a great mother, and a great friend to fletcher, the family,"

"I don't really care for your opinion after everything no offense," I say meaning full offense as the words left my mouth.

"non taken, I understand it's a lot for me to say but it's the truth, and you deserve that," he takes his hand away from me, and as he does I jump from the sound of slow clapping. both my father and I turn to look at the sliding glass door, fletcher standing there watching us as he makes his way to where we stand.

"and what do I deserve? a lie?"

"fletcher you've known the truth your whole life-" our dad interjects but fletcher chuckles.

"Again you're proving how much you always liked him more than me,"

"fletcher-" his name was like a curse on my lips as I roll my eyes arms uncrossing before he said.

"shut the fuck up, I'm tired of both of you thinking I'm someone to be forgotten,"

"fletcher no one ever said that,"

"Literately what is your fucking problem?" I mutter tired from everything already, now this added to it. "you can't even take an apology, so why deliver one,"

fletcher's jaw was set as he reached out shoving me hard in the chest. instantly I lose my balance slipping from the edge of the pool and falling into the water. I hear my father scream as my mouth is open in shock, everything happening in slow motion as I hit the cool water. liquid filling my nose and mouth before my head hits the stone steps and my vision blacks out.

thank you for reading !