Harry || h.s.

4.5- Harry

I pressed my thumbs into the inner corners of my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose trying to soothe the headache I could feel building. the medicine had started to fade away and although it had been for my chest it was reappearing as a vile sharp pain right through the center of my skull. fletcher still slept in the chair next to the door, head lobed back as sometimes his fingers twitched in a dream.

I wanted so badly to call out to him and get the conversation over, wanted even more for the nurse to come in a give me the next dose of painkillers. she had written it down on a whiteboard in front of my bed, it was twenty minutes past the time they were supposed to come in and give me the next dose.

eyes closed I let out a long sigh, the pain in my chest rising and I winced slightly. I hated this, sitting in bed waiting for a conversation I didn't want to have. it felt like I was a kid again, my dad sending me to my room shortly before following me to tell me what I did wrong. only this time I was feeling a shooting pain in my side with every breath I took as I waited.

I wanted to go home to Rosie. knew if anything would help me it would be her. I was regretting letting her go but I knew she needed to relax, knew she needed it more than me making her stay. I was always so selfish when it came to her. letting her slip through my fingers too many times made me want to hold onto her but I resisted knowing I'd never want to tie her to a leash.

I sighed again thinking about it. three whole days she sat here. I felt so undeserving, so inadequate to be on the other end of her loving soul. and she had tried many times to talk me down from these kinds of thoughts. each time I felt like I was back in high school cursing at myself for wanting to tarnish her. she always wanted me to know how willing she was for my love just as I wanted her to know that I was willing to accept hers. but it still didn't make me feel less guilty. this has proved as one of those times. three whole days, no shower, head resting at the foot of my bed. I would never know how someone could love me so much when I felt so shitty.

but selfishness, I always came back to it. I wanted her so bad, more than I already had, I was being greedy but I needed to make the next step. I had told my father I wanted to marry her. the thought often found its way into my brain when she was dancing around the kitchen, sam standing on her feet giggling, when she was laid out on the bed sipping a cup of coffee with a book in one hand, when she put a million pins in her hair to hold it up as she soaked in a steaming tub. when she was under me, hands scratching down my back. when she was in only one of my shirts, kissing along my jaw or tracing my tattoos with her fingers. I wanted nothing more than to see her hands trace down my chest with my ring on her finger.

but the ring I wanted to give her was in New York. hanging on a silver chain on the corner of my bathroom mirror. the ring my mother wore, the ring that had been handed to me after she died.

there was also the fact I was scared shitless to even ask her anyways. moving in was one thing, marriage was another. she had been worried about rushing things and marriage felt like one hell of a rush but it was all I could think about.

that and sam. our baby, the new love of my life. rosie had gifted her to me, to this world, and I still felt guilty over it. I would spend the rest of my life making it up to the two of them I knew that much.

I was so lost in thought I didn't even see fletcher rubbing at his face, stretching as he woke up. when I opened my eyes I jumped startled from seeing him standing. my hand fell to my chest as I cringed, pain very loud now. "can you press the button for the nurse please," I muttered feeling my brows knit together from pain.

"uh yeah- um," he walked over pushing the button and then stepping back again. we both looked at each other, both of us not knowing what to say. "look harry I'm so fucking sorry for pushing you i-"