What if...? || Markhyuck

-73-

[july 2021]

[donghyuck]

I missed out on the moment when everything just started to be indifferent to me.

Since our argument, the world seems to stand still, it lost its color. I couldn't cope with myself. The days dragged on mercilessly, the emptiness consumed me more and more and bumping into Minhyung in the company was simply a painful experience. That's why I started sneaking out of work. Marco was ignoring it so far and I didn't know if he would take any action against violating an official duty. I thought he liked the fact that I was out of sight. Perez was clearly up to something but I didn't know what exactly. Simon has been killed. Rather, there was no one else left to remove. 

Nobody but me.

I was sitting on the cold container sheeting and looking at the raging ocean in the middle of the storm. Powerful waves repeatedly bounced off the dyke, throwing masses of water upwards. From time to time, a kind of spray reached my face and settled gently on cheeks. It wasn't unpleasant but I didn't enjoy it overly as well. I drank beer slowly, bending thickly bandaged hand over and over. Some time ago, while climbing the top of the container, a sharp piece of rusty sheet metal stuck into my skin. It healed slowly but looked like it was going to heal on its own regardless. 

My only regret was that heart decided to be so unwilling to implement this concept in own healing process.

"I thought you hated rain and alcohol," Taylor greeted me shortly after he climbed shipping container tower himself. Man took a bottle of beer from back pocket and opened it with a lighter. The bottle cap hit the sheet metal loudly.

"It has changed recently," I said quite generally, shifting a little on the cardboard to make room for the boy next to me.

"You guys broke up?" he asked bluntly, accepting the silent invitation.

"Hard to tell..." I sighed evasively, staring stubbornly ahead. I didn't know what my face was telling others right now but I didn't really want to show it to Taylor.

"Got it," said, taking a sip of his beer. I was about to ask him how he found me here but finally decided that the question was pointless. It's like asking how I knew he was actually coming here from the rythm of footsteps. Some things just happened and we accepted them as they were.

"We argued badly some time after he said he needs a break," I finally said as we both approached the end of the beer after a long time of free silence. I felt that I needed someone to confess it to out loud. And I didn't actually have such a person now. "Mark came drunk to make a fuss, I punched him and kicked out in the morning when he sobered up," I added, draining the bottle to zero. "Now we avoid each other and try not to get in one another's way," shrugged, smiling crookedly under breath. It was pointless to pretend that I'm perfectly fine when I was far from feeling this way.

"It's really hard to say what it is then," Taylor muttered thoughtfully, as if he were really analyzing it. In fact, I doubted boy was doing it. "Still, I don't think coming here will help you," he suggested carefully. I knew it wouldn't help. But I have never gone through things the way I do now.

For the first time, I felt helpless and without resources to get back on my feet with dignity.

In the case of a relationship with Seth, this relationship at some point no longer made sense and the affection gradually burned out. Ending being together until the end of the world seemed obvious and the only right solution. As for Mark, I was irritated and wanted to hurt him but my feelings did not burn out. On the contrary. The more I wanted to suppress this fire, the more it burned and grew stronger.