What if...? || Markhyuck

-85-

[december 2021]

[minhyung]

The second day after Izzy's death, we also stayed in bed. While making breakfast, I made Donghyuck laugh with something but this dull, sad mood quickly returned. Boy's laughter remained a memory. We tried to watch something but nothing made sense. Marco left my calls unanswered. We didn't feel like going to work. Steven assured me there was no need for that. 

The world we lived in suddenly became terribly inadequate.

"You don't feel like it's because of me, do you?" Donghyuck asked a few hours after asking if I resented him for stopping me and then immediately explained that he had no other choice and if something happened to me, he would never forgive himself. Hyuck experienced everything more intensely, with a great sense of guilt that appeared for reasons unknown to me. He was probably going through something different. And that was actually okay. Probably.

"Of course not. Why?" I muttered into his hair. There was a snowstorm raging outside the window. If it weren't for the circumstances, we probably would have spent the day this way anyway.

"All this mess with Tony..." he whispered with great guilt. I sighed heavily. When Hyuck told me who the car belonged to, it was a real blow. Too many issues involving the Esposito family have recently interfered with our lives, led to tragedies and caused fear.

"You didn't send her there," I observed calmly. I kissed the back of Donghyuck's head gently. There is no doubt about one thing - I had no grudge against my boyfriend. In fact, I could have been grateful to him for clear-headedness in that situation, because I wouldn't be with him now otherwise.

"I know..." Donghyuck muttered halfheartedly. I hugged him tighter.

If I could decide about such things, I would never let this boy out of the apartment again. I would close him from the evil world that surrounds us, from violence, blood, corpses and rape. It wasn't good but I compared. Izzy's loss to Donghyuck's loss. And I felt bad that if I had to choose then, I would be glad that things turned out this way and not another one. Because then I wouldn't survive. I don't want to be in this anymore. Not without him. It wouldn't make any sense to suffer so much alone.

I've been to a similar place before. Mentally. After my grandmother's death, I struggled with various thoughts - very unsupportive, very resigned, very tempting to join her. I don't remember what happened that I didn't end up next to my grandmother in the family grave. In general, I had very few memories from that time in my life. Apart from the state of mourning, there were no other emotional traces that could lead to more precise memories. Maybe it had to be that way. Maybe my brain was effectively protecting me, or maybe alexithymia was already doing its job and allowed me to live without giving my life any special meaning.

But now it was different.

Now my life mattered.

Now I had a person who gave this meaning.

And with that person, that meaning would go away.

"If I'm ever gone, I want you to live as happy life as possible, Donghyuck..." I said after some thought and a long silence between us. I thought these were important words, important thoughts. "Very far from here..." I added in a whisper. This city has taken too much from us and could still take too much.

"Is this the moment you need to figure it out?" boy asked in a weak voice, as if his own thoughts were not wandering to nicer places.

"Mhm," I simply muttered. I couldn't bring myself to say any bigger words. The very idea of it stirred a very sensitive chord in me that I couldn't control. I had several of them that contributed to a state of greater sensitivity, even tearfulness. All of them were somehow related to Donghyuck - to his harm, to his uncertain future, to our breakup...