What if...? || Markhyuck

-10-

[july 2019]

[minhyung]

By sealing the last moving box, I realized I was really doing it. I leave the house where I spent my childhood. Maybe it wasn't associated with the best memories of life but I always knew I could come back here. That I have somewhere to come back.

Here was my mother, who, despite all the annoyances we made to each other, was still waiting with dinner.

Here was my room where I slept with the girl for the first time.

Here was my grandmother, who was silent for many days, unable to digest the decisions I made.

Here were the walls that listened to my crying over the years.

Here were the walls that closely watched my every move and conversation.

Here was everything I didn't realize until now.

Suddenly some sadness entered me. I didn't want to leave but I couldn't stay either. I was fed up with Jeno and at the same time I was afraid that he would find something that would end his life very quickly. My private things were one thing but there were far worse things under the rug and panels. I would never forgive myself if someone in my family suffered from such a thing as my side activities. Hatred of other people is one thing but respecting blood ties is a separate matter. The eternal rule of life in the mafia is not to involve work in normal life. However, when work takes you every second and thought, you should walk away from your loved ones as far as you can.

It's not like I plan to turn my back on mother completely and pretend I came out of nowhere. I just came to the conclusion that it would be better if our contacts were limited to Sunday dinners and spontaneous visits. I wouldn't like anyone to come up with the idea of ​​harming me or blackmailing my family. However, I am a public and representative person, which sometimes made me envy Steven his underground.

Steve and Donghyuck went to Atlantic City yesterday and I couldn't stop thinking about what they were doing there. Which wouldn't be so weird if I considered the work aspect. I could not accept the fact that they would be there alone, in a shady, small hotel room the size of a prison cell. It wasn't of course a matter of any feelings but matter of ownership. In kindergarten I never liked when other children touched the toys that I saw in the basket, considering them to be mine. It was the same in this case. However, a man with the possibility of a more intimate relationship than touching the plush was involved. A similar vision irritated me to such an extent that I wanted to get in the car and run off the highway to Atlantic City to take possession of what I believe is already my property. I had it on paper and intended to use it as often as possible. Authority over Hyuck is a small privilege that makes me smile. Imagination sent images of his annoyed face when I told him who he belongs to from now on. I didn't know why but his irritation was the best entertainment for me lately.

"Will you be visiting your old mother?" asked the woman, standing in the passageway, which drew my attention to her. I slowly picked up the last cardboard box in this room. 

A cardboard box from behind the door. 

I approached mother leaning shoulder on the door frame.

"My move doesn't mean that I will avoid this house in a wide arc," I said. "I still intend to sleep here sometimes, so don't forget about your son. Don't even think about desecrating my room," I threatened.

"I won't even change the sheets if you don't want to," she smiled sadly. "Children are growing," she sighed, walking away.

I rolled my eyes, hugging the box. I felt a bit like the first day at home after leaving the resort. However, I was now leaving somewhere again. Once again I abandoned the place and people. I began to wonder if this would be my life? Eternal escape is not a mode in which I would like to find myself.