What if...? || Markhyuck

-6-

[late june 2019]

[donghyuck]

I wanted a man like Lee Minhyung to die at that moment and disappear from my memory, never even getting a chance to stand on the path I was following. I felt like a whore who got banged by the first man witchever I met on the street. To boot - completely for free. I was shivering at the thought of what had just happened and a strong urge to sink deep into the ground arose within me. The most hurtful thing me was the fact that sex with black-haired boy really pleased me. The feeling of body dirt was therefore even stronger.

I've known him really well these past few weeks. I became acquainted with his every move, being able to immediately say whether it is routine or whether it is worth saving it as a new one. By force of habit, if you get to know someone well, you begin to have feelings for them. Even a stone in the garden, which stands in the same place for several years, becomes strangely close to you, so that if someone stole it, you would feel empty.

When you don't like this person's behavior, you start to lose sympathy for him.

When the person's words piss you off, he starts to irritate you.

When you consider that person's gestures tolerable, your attitude towards him becomes neutral.

When this person does something that impresses you, you discover that you like him.

I know a lot about Minhyug but I still had the impression that I didn't fully work his personality out. According to Marco's file, Lee has often killed, tortured and toyed with other people's life. He treated interrogations as a cheap form of entertainment, which allows him to de-stress or calm down. The psychological profile of such a man is rather not included in the category of a nice gentleman from the neighborhood, who, with a smile, walks the dog and pruns the roses in front of the house. It made me wonder what I was doing wrong, that I haven't noticed it yet. The boy didn't look like a killer. He may have acted in a fussy manner, smoked, drank, didn't open the door to a supermarket for elderly ladies but I'd never sign his profile as a killer in my life.

I didn't keep what I felt because I didn't notice the moment when it happened.

I didn't notice when finding Minhyung attractive just grown on me.

I didn't like this vision at all. I didn't have a life where I could find a place for love. Nothing like that had been born in me yet but I knew that if I still had to watch the black-haired man, it could become the worst. After the beach incident, I was even more likely to fall. Somehow I had to stop this whole process and I didn't even count on help from the object of interest. He probably had it all too deeply in his egoistic ass because his ignorance I fortunately noticed in the first place.

I went behind the stage where the guys carried the amplifiers to the trailer and put all the equipment away. I literally wanted to cry. I didn't want to feel this pleasure. I wanted to hate Minhyung, forget that I gave in to him without putting up much resistance.

"Hey, Hyuck" I felt someone grab my elbow. "Where have you been?" Seth asked with a sincerely worried expression. I looked at him thoroughly, wanting to absorb his composure and care. "You disappeared so suddenly, which looked like you went home without saying goodbye."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, not taking my eyes off him. The boy was something so wonderfully familiar to me that I couldn't resist the temptation and just snuggled into him tightly. Seth didn't wait long, closing me quickly in a warm embrace. I missed him terribly because he used to be always with me when I needed him. Despite everything, I felt bad with my own thoughts, because it didn't concern him.