What if...? || Markhyuck

-53-

[february 2021]

[minhyung]

"After my grandmother died, I was completely ignored," explained the psychologist, reluctantly returning to this fragment of the past. "As if her presence somehow required my parents to at least pretend to care or be interested in what I do in life," I winced, staring at the succulent in the middle of the table. It was really cute. Tiny, pointed leaves, a glass pot filled with...

"That was grandma on the distaff side?" the woman asked, interrupting my little flight into the flower world.

"Yes," I said calmly. "Father's mother still lives in Korea."

"Do you have any contact?" she wondered, as if hoping that dead grandmother could always be replaced by the latter. It's a pity grandma Minjung was an even worse heartless bitch than her son, who only knew how to make broken babies and fuck secretaries at conferences overseas.

"None," I replied succinctly, without going into the nature of these relations.

"Well, we have 15 minutes of meeting left, is there any other topic or thoughts that you would like to summarize our today's conversation with?" asked the same things she always asked as the clock slowly went full circle.

"No," I shrugged. I've had enough of this office for today. My head was starting to ache from the excess of bad memories and depressing facts. I couldn't process so many emotional stimuli at once. I was glad to be picked up by Donghyuck today, otherwise I might have accidentally hit someone.

"Okay," Mrs. Beckett didn't penetrate, probably reading the tiredness on my face correctly. "Then I would have a question for you," she said and I looked at her reluctantly. "Why did you decide to bring your grandmother up today?" asked calmly. Whatever I said, she was always fucking calm. It irritated me sometimes. "This is a completely new thread for us, unrelated to the previous ones," she pointed out with a slight shrug.

"My boyfriend thinks it's important," I explained to her. "That in the subject of grandma there are simply important and heavy emotions."

"And what do you think?" she asked and I knew perfectly well what she wanted from me with this question. Same thing as Hyuck. To start think about myself and do what I think is right. As if he and Mrs. Beckett are forgetting that I have fucked up head and no idea what is emotionally right and what is not.

"I think so too," I shrugged. If I wasn't dead inside since I was born, I must have died that way after my grandmother passed away. There was no doubt about it. "It's just difficult. Difficult to talk to someone other than Donghyuck about myself," I finally explained the main problem of why we sometimes stood still and were unable to proceed with therapy. Mrs. Beckett wasn't  Hyuck. Sometimes I wasn't even able to tell the brunet about things I see as difficult and complicated. Let alone a stranger.

"Did you talk to him about what we talked about today?"

"Of course" I shrugged, seeing no point in doubting it. "I talk to him about everything. He's always the first with these things," I assured, avoiding deliberately defining what I meant by these things.

"Why do you think this is happening?" she asked in a tone strangely forcing me to reflect. However, there was nothing to reflect on. How is that - why is this happening?. It just is and that's it. But I couldn't say it to her in this form. After a while, however, I started thinking more deeply about why Hyuck is always first with everything that happens in my life. First and only, actually, because the world inside the psychologist's office didn't transfer to reality outside of it.