What if...? || Markhyuck

-29-

[september 2020]

[minhyung]

I ran through a forest.

A forest dark and subconsciously threatening.

A forest I knew perfectly well.

A forest I only knew from stories and nightmares.

Now I was in it again, running away from the shadows without any specific form or shape. I knew that this shadow actually took a human form that couldn't leave me - as befits the specter of the past.

I wanted to break free from the surrounding snare, being fully aware that my current situation is just another product of sick imagination. Whispers of unconsciousness that in some strange way burst into what was on the surface. I had the impression that the faster I run away from it, the sooner I catch up with it, wanting to devour alive.

It was a game where I always failed. I wanted to bring it to an end, get out of the maze in which I wandered every night looking for a solution. I began to doubt that such a solution exists. I knew that until I could deal with this problem, it would grow, destroying what I was currently trying to build.

I leaned back heavily on the huge bough, trying to catch my breath. I knew I had to run, run ahead, though my breath was really shallow. I had to do it to finally get out of here and start living normally.

"It'll finally get you, Mark," I heard a familiar voice echoing in space. "It will eventually get you. And destroy. "

When I sprang out of bed, instead of the dark forest, I was greeted by the twilight of the New York bedroom. I sighed in disbelief, looking through the safe and familiar space. Years went by and I still couldn't get rid of the shock that always accompanied me with a sudden return to reality. I rubbed face with sleepy terror and turned head to the side. I noticed immediately the worried look of Donghyuck, who was sitting right next to me, his hand on my lap. Lee's eyes watched me carefully in the dark and, though I couldn't tell with no light at all, they were warm and worried. I took a deep breath, resting forehead on the boy's shoulder, trying to calm my accelerated breath.

"Bad dream again?" he asked softly, gently combing my hair again and again. I nodded slowly, closing eyelids. I felt a bit like a child who must find solace in mother's arms after every nightmare. Strangely enough, however, I felt quite well with it. I was glad that sometimes I could hug someone and not just be alone with it all. Hyuck's presence encouraged me more than I would have ever admit. But the brunet knew this very well and silently accepted the fact that I couldn't speak about similar matters out loud. At least he accepted it for now.

"I was screaming?" I asked after a long silence, kissing his shoulder slowly.

"Terribly" he confirmed calmly, gently drawing a circle on my neck with his finger. I straightened up slowly, giving him a weary look. I felt a little awkward with the thought that I was wasting sleep for both of us. Although Donghyuck has never complained about it, he certainly didn't enjoy the night. "Would you like to talk about it?" he proposed subtly. I knew that he wanted me to finally open up to him and I would definitely do it if I could. Somehow my heart was still paralyzed by helplessness and blocked my mind at the level of making rational decisions. We were both big and mature - we were both accepting and experiened in life. So what was the problem? Where and how deeply did this insurmountable blockade take root? Donghyuck was the only person I would ever be able to open up myself to but just not yet. I still couldn't.