What if...? || Markhyuck

-8-

[july 2019]

[donghyuck]

When I left work, an unbelievable closeness hit me, which I didn't feel in the cool basement corridors. The weight of the air didn't announce anything good, overwhelming me mentally rather than physically. There was a storm in the atmosphere, which combined with the rain created an explosive mixture for me.

In such moments I wanted to be as far away as possible from places of lightning and downpours.

I wanted to go underground and pretend that everything above its surface didn't concern me.

I wanted to stop being part of this world until the sun shone again in the sky.

I suffered from the so-called dog beaten at  classical music syndrome. This sound associated with an extreme situation defined as purely negative is an alarm for the animal that cringes and squeaks every time it reaches its consciousness. I was just such a dog. Abused by the sound of pouring rain.

The rain had nothing magical or beautiful to me.

The rain was crying and calling for mercy.

I moved quickly because I didn't want to get wet or spend the night in the underground with Steven. Every day, the same walls were crushing me what gave me impression that I'm constantly sitting in a gray prison. No option was good in this case. In addition, we still had a lot of work in browsing photos and looking for clues and I additionally finished reading documents. I planned to sleep well in my own bed today, turn off the phone and pretend I wasn't there. I  planned is actually a good word because I had to be at every call. I was able to afford planning as usual.

In dreams.

I was already turning into the estate when a black car got in my way. I got to know this car well, because we used similar ones in the company and this exact one I put in a month ago for Minhyung's apartment, so I must have had it in my mind. I swallowed, feeling sudden softness in  legs. I didn't even know where to run. The driver lowered the tinted window quickly and looked at me irritably. I knew it wasn't his best day ever.

"Get in" commanded imperiously, as if I were his errand boy. Our meetings never went well, so I wasn't going to agree to even an innocent ride.

"You're fucking crazy. I'm in a hurry to go home," I said sharply, trying to get past the car. Lee moved forward, letting me know that he would even run me over, only to make me follow his instructions.

"Do I look like I'm asking you for  opinion?" he asked irritably. "I don't feel like playing today."

And I didn't feel like crying in the morning but knowI feel huge urge to do so. Literally. Inner sobbing growing in my chest separated millimeters from getting outside. I felt like I was signing a death sentence. Minhyung was equal to many humiliations. I always felt incredibly bad after meeting him because he made me feel extremes. For a long time no person has caused me such dizziness in their contradiction.

I was afraid and disgusted with him, at the same time hoping deep inside that he would command and take me by force in an animal way.

The best way to accept this sick attraction was to avoid black-haired.

But why did fate create so many opportunities for us to meet, since I clearly wanted something else?

Why does the wheel of fortune always ultimately point to a field that does not bring anything good with it?