What if...? || Markhyuck

-18-

[end of september 2019]

[donghyuck]

Ever since I opened my eyes, they were focused on one point of the room and did not change the object of interest. I looked at Seth's t-shirt, which was lying on the floor in disarray along with other clothes of quite mixed origin and affiliation. Its uniqueness resulted from a simple equation, which included my first meeting with blond and the day of his accident. This emotional feature combined with the bland morning light that illuminated it made me ask myself some serious existential questions.

What the fuck am I doing here? was one of them.

I had no idea. I was good at giving in to the moment and the spontaneity that resulted from the inability to estimate the adverse effects of an action. I'm afraid that rational man would simply call it ordinary stupidity and recklessness. However, I clearly missed this rationalism.

My body was screaming in physical pain and my soul was screaming because of guilt and injustice in life. Paradoxically, Seth's heavy arm was soothing to my broken ribs, as if this pressure suppressed the suffering that caused my breathing. I was wondering who I was actually trying to cheat in this relationship and it turned out that myself, because Seth is not able to replace Minhyung and Minhyung doesn't have Seth's unique qualities. Both are extremely different and their characters did not duplicate at any point.

I closed eyelids for a moment, listening to the calm and even breathing of the blonde. The warm air from his mouth slightly enveloped my neck, making me feel incredibly comfortable and safe. The boy's room brought back memories of the high school and reminded me of the oasis he once was for me. Literally nothing has changed here; everything was the same. Seth's naked body clung to mine as it used to do thousands of times before. Only I seemed different; I was a mismatched element of these puzzles, which originally was to fill the gap but in transport to the store was damaged, destroying now the whole picture.

"Looks like you're awake now," I heard a soft whisper in my ear.

"I'm awake for some time," I said calmly. "If you want, go back to sleep."

In response, I received only laughter suppressed by my neck and the touch of lips flicking my skin. I instinctively smiled under breath and gently ran my fingers through the boy's hair. I knew I shouldn't do that but this habit was much stronger than will. After all, Seth was a person whom I loved madly with all my heart for many years and believed that I would never stop loving. How cruel would it be to say that this love is over? Nothing can pass by overnight.

I rolled over slowly, clenching eyelids in pain. After a while I looked into the boy's eyes, wanting to confront the cavernous ton of irises and I found worry in them. When Seth was getting ready to say something, I just shook head slowly, hooking fingertips on his lips. I had no strength now for any serious conversation and if we were to remain in this seeming calm, it could not take place now.

"I'll wait," he announced calmly, taking my hand subtly from his face. "Not that I have a special choice, right?" he asked with a slight half-smile.

"True," I replied, closing eyes. I also gave rise to a long silence that completely mastered the room.

This silence was pleasant. It seemed completely unforced and spontaneously initiated. This is what silence should look like among people who have known each other for years and do not feel embarrassed. We were such people but paradoxically we had no future in front of us.

"When do you leave?" I asked hollowly, looking down. I needed to know that to prepare for emptiness, for another abandonment and leaving myself alone. I always gave the impression as if I didn't mind Seth's touring but the same process was constantly taking place in my heart. First burning pain caused by parting; then a few weeks during which I tried to return to normal and forget; later hope came again, when I received a phone call with the message hey, we'll be in town, long time no see, come to the concert ?; a few moments together and another trip. This was the case every time until I finally managed to get over it.