What if...? || Markhyuck

-23-

[may 2020]

[minhyung]

When I opened my eyes, there was opaque darkness around me. This room itself was already dark enough and the north-facing windows didn't help at all. Only the whiteness of the bedclothes seemed to light up my nearest space.

Donghyuck lay with his back to me almost on the edge of the mattress. Even in this complete lack of light, I was able to see his scratches that were smiling ominously at me with their jagged edges. I would be lying if my lips left the statement that such a view didn't cause any emotions. My heart was still filled with bitterness and disbelief. I didn't understand how someone could beat to a pulp such an innocent kid like Lee to the point of leaving similarly lasting marks on his body. I couldn't resist the temptation to once again trace the run of the largest and longest of the scars, which stretched from the shoulder of the brunet to the opposite hip. Its size puzzled me. It certainly wasn't the effect of hitting a belt or even a cable. Behind this band of pink skin was a much darker secret than I'd probably expected. Asking for it directly would be wrong, so I suspected it would be one of those things that would remain unexplained between us forever.

I sighed in resignation, brushing lightly through Hyuck's hair, who only sighed in response, wrapping the duvet tightly. He was still as vulnerable. This one thing has certainly not changed.

I got up slowly from the bed and picked up trousers the quietest I could. I didn't want to wake Haechan. Especially since we had the middle of the night. I dug a packet of cigarettes and a lighter out of my pocket. I felt strangely restless in my own way. A disturbing closeness hung in the air. Some strange aura that moved the heart in an unpleasant way. I carefully opened the window before leaving the room.

When I set my feet on the porch boards, I was immediately surrounded by a cool wind. This was obviously not a frosty breeze, which heralds the winter but rather a gust of moderate cold combined with the spirit of the approaching storm. The treetops of a nearby forest swayed slowly sideways, scowling menacingly, as if to scare everything around them. I didn't know if my mood was the result of the approaching strange atmospheric front or whether this weather almost as a mental landscape became its strange excuse.

I had Hyuck at my fingertips. He was actually mine, undeniably connected to me. I wanted this relationship at a distance but when I confronted these desires with reality, I was overcome by a chilling cold and fear. It was emotional fear. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to function normally in this relationship.

For as long as I can remember I have had huge problems displaying any positive feelings. This was associated with difficulties in feeling them at all. I was told that once...

That I can't...

That I can't love.

I didn't know love. I was unfamiliar with its definition because apparently everyone perceives it differently, for everyone it manifests itself in a different way and everyone is accompanied by different feelings. If love is a phenomenon with such a subjective nature, I didn't have a chance to educate it. I missed the basics of any positive emotions. As in mathematics - no one is able to solve a complicated operation without knowing the procedures of adding or multiplying. And I definitely didn't know how to add in life.

I burned a cigarette quickly, stubbing it on a wooden porch beam. I stepped inside, closing the door behind me. However, when the darkness of the bedroom veiled me again, I discovered that the room's closeness didn't seem to escape through the open window. It was still stuffy in the air

Donghyuck changed position, now lying slightly curled up partly on my half. I smiled to myself because he looked incredibly innocent while he was sleeping. I slipped back under the quilt, immediately covering the boy who, sensing second body, instinctively clung to me. He was warm and his weight seemed surprisingly pleasant. I liked the nearness of brunet, feeling much lighter and better when he was just nearby. His smile lit up even a cloudy day and silly jokes automatically bettered the mood.