What if...? || Markhyuck

-76-

[august 2021]

[donghyuck]

Day after day dragged on as if years had passed. A few times a day I listened to some nonsense, got hit in the face with buckets of ice-cold water. I was beaten less and less. I did my best to stay aware of what was happening around me but it kept getting heavier and heavier. I felt that I was gradually losing what I was supposed to remember in theory.

I lay in the darkened room on the bed and recalled what I thought was mine and not drilled into me. However, with each splash of water on my body, the line between mine and someone else's, what was Steven's, what had been instilled in me faded more and more. 

I was losing my mind.

"How are you doing?" Marco's voice echoed off the walls somewhere along the shoreline of my floating memories. I had to go back to the here and now, although I really didn't want to.

"Am I a picture of somebody who look like doing fine?" I asked without even bothering to get up or greet. He had a business and for this business he ruthlessly tortured me. He didn't deserve to be greeted in any way because he wasn't welcomed.

"Not much left," he assured and it sounded like a lie. Everything was a lie from the very beginning. I saw it now.

"You've been saying this for a week," I pointed out those lies he had been feeding me. Even if I looked like that, I wasn't an idiot. I distinguished an honorary mafioso from an ordinary crook.

"Trust me," he commanded rather than tenderly asked. I started to laugh, even though it physically hurt.

"Don't be ridiculous," I sighed with amusement, staring up at the ceiling. "I'd sooner let Steven brainwash me than trust you," said, trying to catch the outline of Perez's figure from the shadows. My world was blurry.

"Good dog" laughed, genuinely amused, and then left without saying goodbye. After all, it wasn't his life, consciousness and memory that all of these were about. Then it was easier for people not to look back.

I dreamed about changing our roles someday. So that he too can see what it is like.

"Fuck you, psycho," I whispered into the darkness of the empty room.

I was alone again.

I looked for a long time at Mark's back, outlined in the distance against the gray sheets. He was lying so near and yet so far... All within arm's reach, but out of reach at the same time. It was all fucked up. We went back to sleeping together once in a while, but each of us took up their half of the mattress. Sometimes at night, one or the other person would unconsciously move closer or embrace the other. Nevertheless, it happened involuntarily, it was not our starting position.

The clock struck 2:50 AM.

Dawn was going to meet us in a while.

I sighed heavily as dig myself out from under the covers. There was no way I could fall asleep today. I had to smoke. Those goddamn dreams kept coming back more and more and I no control over it. They sneaked in on weaker days and attacked with all the evilness they had in their inventory. I walked over to the backpack I had left in the living room; searched all pockets quickly just to find an empty package. I crushed the cardboard in a sudden rush of irritation and walked over to the chair where Minhyung's pants hung. I took out his cigarettes to find out that he only had the last two left. Boy always smokes immediately after waking up and then on the way to work... There was no option for me to take one. Even if 24-hour corner shop was right under my nose, I didn't necessarily want to go there... But I had no choice. I grabbed Mark's hoodie off the couch, my apartment keys off the table and headed for the exit.