What if...? || Markhyuck

-4-

[june 2019]

[donghyuck]

When I explained to Jeno that they plucked me because of my absence and I would not go to school anymore, there was a long silence between us. We sat in the boy's room and looked at each other, as if this information suddenly began to mean that we have nothing to say to each other. Our contact has declined slightly since Minhyung's return home. Jeno didn't invite me anymore and today was a total exception, which I pressed for. The younger brother preferred not to have any contact with me. Somehow, his behavior tells me that what I read in Minhyung's file may not have been as far from the truth as I assumed. He insulated me because I knew his great secret. I learned something that he hid so carefully that he actually created a completely different picture of himself in surroundings. And I threatened maintenance this self-image.

"Again, Hyuck?" he asked, as if tired of this information. In fact, he was probably glad that we spent the last year in separate classes. Due to the fact that I  went to school very rarely, I wasn't so dangerous - I had no friends, I didn't have anyone to tell that someone like Lee Jeno had a secret brother, whom he killed in the record of his biography, then erased him both from his history and social narrative.

"It just sort of came out," I said simply, actually noticing the pluses of the whole situation. Maintaining relationships was tiring because it required time I didn't have and commitment to which I also lacked strength.

"You should quit this music," he told me in the tone of a parent who wants a prospective profession for his child. "It won't give anything to you, just making trouble as you can see."

"I know, you're right," I nodded dully, slightly dispassionately. "Yes, I'll have to do that" I sighed heavily, thinking that I had no time for music for a long time. However, Jeno couldn't know about it.

"What now?" he finally asked and this time it was sincere interest. Let me know it..., I thought.

"I'm like two years behind now," I only announced, realizing the enormity of time I had fucked up. This year I would have finished school if everything went by its usual mode of education. Meanwhile, I felt like a recidivist in a pathological family who was too stupid to finish high school. A little hurting experience, after all.

"I thought that next year we would take the exam together and go to college together..." he sighed heavily. "It will be sad to end this year now without you and start a new one without you as well," he added, when I didn't comment on his thoughts. Did I see myself in college? An eternal question to which the answer has always been different. I definitely wanted to know what it's like to be a student. To experience this magical time when you move out of the house in the hugs of the whole family and go to another city to sit in a dormitory with friends of similar interests in the following years. At least that was what it looked like in the movies and I found myself wanting to believe that this is also reality. "I'll leave you all my notes before going to college," the boy said, unknowingly sticking another pin to my already sore heart.

"Thank you, Jeno" I smiled faintly, though my gratitude was real.

"What a linden," he murmured dissatisfiedly, throwing himself on the bed. "I was hoping that we would go to college together" he said once more, as if thanks to it such request could've become real.

"Me too" I lied, or is it? I lay down next to a friend and began to look at the ceiling of his room.

I thought back to the music. It used to be a huge part of my heart, it filled every gap in my free time. Now, in my free time, in truth I played the piano in a school music circle and sang sometimes. But I didn't play in bars or at concerts anymore and I missed that kind of life on tour.