What if...? || Markhyuck

-81-

[october 2021]

[donghyuck]

From the very morning I just felt terrible. I had to admit to myself that I became addicted to the shit I was taking and functioning without Xanax was just plain tragic. It brought the opposite effect to what was supposed to be eliminated and additionally boosted this malaise threefold. The leaflet and common knowledge rather provided the potential patient with a solid knowledge of side effects. Some were terrified and managed without medication, others consciously took risks and others decided that side effects are not a reality that concerns them. My brain placed me in the third group and life very quickly showed that there is no such thing as super resistance to any addictions.  For that simple reason, I don't think I was able to prepare myself to be that much... explosive and irritable, so before we left the apartment, I argued with Minhyung twice about things that I normally wouldn't even notice.

I was astounded at how calm Mark is about it all. Calm and understanding. The roles in a bizarre and very unexpected way reversed. It was hard to judge how it affected the dynamic in the relationship and the private lives we still had otherwise. And perhaps also our inner worlds. Such a break from the scheme in which we functioned for a very long time disorganized - at least me. Probably due to lack of self-control. And the lack of self-control automatically transfered to the lack of control over literally everything. So, when it dawned on me that I had reacted excessively in the morning and that it would be appropriate to apologize to the boy, we managed to reach the banquet, where our opportunity to talk was eliminated to zero. I watched Minhyung from a distance as he talked to various more and less important people or Steven. It seemed that we were participating in a very calm, mainly show banquet, without important business topics. So I allowed myself to be less vigilant than usual.

"You like him," Hunter told me, ignoring any opening comment as he approached without justification. He should be in a completely different part of the room. So I figured Hunter was so eager to tell me this discovery about life that he just couldn't stand where he was supposed to be.

"Who?" I asked in a tired and annoyed voice. Of all the conversations to have, this one was always the least wanted and enjoyable.

"Mark," he replied triumphantly, as if had found the Tomb of Tut Ankh Amun himself. I sighed heavily. How damned monotonous he was. It was already making me sick.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard this year," I replied coldly. "And the year is coming to an end," I added ironically, glancing briefly at him. Then I went back to observing Minhyung because that was my job. The fact that I liked looking at him had nothing to do with it.

"I wonder what Mark would say if he found out," Hunter muttered unexpectedly, as if to threaten me in some strange way. Maybe he had some business for me and didn't know how to ask but unfortunately he hit the wrong spot. Firstly, Mark has known for a long time that I love him deeply and secondly, my brain in rehab was brutal and bereft of any form of kindness.

"I don't know, you can ask him. He's not that far," I replied with an annoyance that I didn't even try to hide. Hunter looked at me in disbelief. I rolled eyes and faced this stupid boy. "Listen, Hunter... You're getting hard at the very thought of Minhyung - great" I shrugged as if didn't care at all. In fact, it was quite different but I didn't plan for anyone to find out. Mark is a determined opponent of jealous part coming out of me. Mainly because he didn't seem to fully understand the concept - although Mark was unknowingly jealous as well in many areas. "I don't care. I don't want you dragging me into anything connected with this man and your feelings for him," I made myself clear and brutal. I wanted words to have a final, non-negotiable effect. "You're acting like a child right now and you're at work," I announced firmly, taking a step forward. Hunter didn't move away. Maybe even better. I didn't want to show the rest of the people and bodyguards here to see what was going on at Perez's. "You want Minhyung? Go and get him after hours when you're supposed to keep Marco safe because right now you're doing nothing but pissing me off. Clear enough?" I murmured through clenched teeth. I haven't felt like punching someone as much as Hunter in a long time. It was extremely stimulating to me in this aggressive and violent sense.