What if...? || Markhyuck

-52-

[february 2021]

[minhyung]

"What are you doing here, Hyungie?" Hyuck asked as we faced each other on the doorstep of his house. I was standing in front of brunet totally lost, totally broken and totally unannounced. I wasn't sure myself what I was doing here. 

That's why I just shrugged.

"Can I...?" I asked shyly, looking away as Donghyuck's gaze grew too intense and piercing right through. As if he was looking at the bottom of my soul and knew everything - even what I had no access to.

"You can," boy said calmly, leaving me alone in the corridor after those words. He went to the kitchen without a word.

For the whole week I was struggling with stupid thoughts whether it would not be better if someone like Seth would continue to give Hyuck happiness in life. This was what Isabelle had suggested to me a while ago. To stop hurting or leave him alone. But what if I wasn't sure if I could refrain from wounding Donghyuck in the future? I wasn't able to give it a guarantee, although I really wanted to reduce these wounds and scars in our relationship to nonexistent level.

I didn't think that my inner dilemmas were so visible to Donghyuck who, after a few days of strange distance between us, asked if everything was okay and if nothing had changed with our relationship. Of course, I said it is okay, but I guess that this lie was one of the more pathetic and unsuccessful I've ever tried to press into him. The more so as the distance created by my internal dilemmas has not decreased at all. After Hyuck's question, they grew even deeper. We were gradually moving away from each other again.

Donghyuck, however, remained silent and allowed me to do so.

I didn't know what to think about it. It just felt as if history was repeating itself again. Except that the previous fight had been so terrible, destructive and so disastrous that now Hyuck no longer tried to force himself to find out what  exactly is wrong. I just assumed boy was simply afraid of getting hurt again. He was afraid of my unrestrained anger and what the end would be this time.

So he chose silence.

He was silent.

He watched.

He waited.

And I only provided myself with more arguments to support the claim that the biggest problem in our relationship is actually me.

I entered the kitchen slowly. The first thing I saw were the roses in a vase standing on the table. Damn Valentine's weeds. They didn't make anything easier for me. I walked slowly over to the bouquet as if I had seen it for the first time in life. I touched the tea rose gently, feeling imaginary tears of irritation and helplessness rising in me.

"Why are you so quiet?" Hyuck asked finally, turning to look at me. When our eyes briefly met, this time it was him who looked away. He did it in a flash, as if was afraid of what had seen. "They're nice, huh?" asked after a while in a strangely cheerful voice, somewhat artificial. I squeezed eyes shut tightly, trying to contain the rising anger at myself. "Mom asked me where I got them from and you don't even know how proud I was to tell her they were from you. She may be prejudiced but at least she can't deny now that I say you're a loving, caring boy, so I guess you scored a few points in the fight for my mother's heart. Ted likes you in his own way too but I think he likes everyone. He's the kind of man with a heart of gold..." Donghyuck recited quickly in a strange, completely unnatural for him logomania.

"Stop it," I whispered, cutting him off. My fingers tightened on the back of the chair, clearly unable to cope with the silence that followed shortly after my harsh interruption.