What if...? || Markhyuck

-31-

[october 2020]

[minhyung]

The road to Hyuck's house slipped by in grave silence. The mere fact that we were sitting in one car at all bordered on a miraculous, considering the events from less than an hour ago.

I wanted to speak up, apologize and promise improvement. None of these things sounded adequate in my mind. I was angry with myself because I fucked everything up. I had no right to speak and get forgiveness being such a moron. I let myself be carried away by a wave of aggression that should not occur at all. All this fueled ordinary fear. The thought of Hyuck leaving me was so overwhelming that I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stop him with words. However, it turned out that I will never be a master of stopping with gestures as well.

Donghyuck said nothing.

He didn't say a word to me. When I asked about something, he nodded in confirmation and denied it in the same way. Now he looked out the window with a stony face, arms crossed over chest, as if it gave him psychological security, as if expanding his comfort zone.

This was probably our end.

We quarreled, we shouted terrible things to each other's faces so many times before. This time, however, it wasn't a simple quarrel over which we could easily go to everyday life. I was worried about what would happen between us now. I certainly had to make the first move and try to fix it somehow but I was never good at cleaning up the mess I was making. And especially in repairing the relationship with other people, which I clearly fucked up.

I parked in the driveway, cutting the engine right away. If I don't speak now, it will be too late later, I thought. I looked at Hyuck, his cut on temple and cheek, which would most likely turn into a scar due to a deep incision. Dried blood stains could be seen on the boy's collar of the shirt, as if the wound itself was too little reminder of this wonderful evening.

It hurt me the most, that I promised myself that in my life I wouldn't touch him in a way he wouldn't wish. I swore a change, I swore I would not hurt him. I didn't even want to imagine how much disappointment he had met and what a letdown that he couldn't even look at me right now. I didn't want to look at myself either because I would have to face a man who destroys everything he touches and somehow get to grips with this information.

"I'm sorry..." I started uncertainly, holding out a trembling hand towards Hyuck. Brunet, however, quickly and firmly rejected it and the silence in the car was broken by a quiet swat of collision of the skin against the skin, when our hands bounced off each other.

"Don't touch me," he said coldly, without even looking at me. I sighed heavily, resting my head on the headrest. It was beyond my strength. I couldn't solve it. Direct confrontation with Donghyuck at that moment simply exceeded my communication capabilities.

Somehow, I wanted to express clearly how bad I felt with all this incident.

I wanted to say I'm an asshole and I don't deserve forgiveness.

I wanted to say how much I regret that everything went wrong.

I would like to say that I am sorry about how all this was played.

I wanted to promise that I would change, that nothing like this would happen again, that I would start working on myself.

Above all, however, I wanted to be able to say it out loud.

"Hyuckie..." I murmured softly when the boy sniffed, biting his lower lip. His chin trembled slightly. I knew that it's just a matter of few seconds and he would fall apart completely.