What if...? || Markhyuck

-79-

[september/october 2021]

[minhyung]

A long time ago, I asked Hyuck to be with me when I meet my mother at the therapist's, if it ever comes to fruition in this form. Then he refused, saying it is between us and he doesn't want to get involved. I understood his position and respected it. That doesn't change the fact that my fears about this meeting with an outsider were so strong that we were currently sitting in the waiting room together waiting for my mother to join us.

"Sorry to drag you into this," I said after a long silence. We both looked at the door, expecting a woman.

"It's okay, Hyungie," boy sighed in response. He looked at me with a reassuring smile. "But when I decide I shouldn't be there, I'll just leave and you will bravely stay with her, okay?" he asked amusedly, giving me a kiss. A reprimand like a child being taken to kindergarten or for vaccination.

"Fine" I promised anyway, although I wasn't sure if I wouldn't be outside faster than him. This feeling intensified when I saw my mother.

"Are you both here?" she asked right away but eyes only fixed on Donghyuck. I felt like a childhood scenario was playing out again. Once again, this terrible omission, invalidation and treatment like air. With the subtle difference that I'm an adult now, so it was out of place.

"I didn't want to alone," I managed to answer, drawing some kind of courage from the brunet's presence. 

"Won't even comment on that," woman sighed heavily, turning ostentatiously on heel to inspect her surroundings.

"You're doing just great," I muttered under breath but loud enough for her to hear.

"Both of you, please, stop," Donghyuck whispered resignedly, blocking further comments. I could see from my mother's face that she barely bit her tongue.

Shortly after, the full hour struck and Virginia Beckett pulled us out of the hall and, for a change, she was not surprised by Donghyuck's presence at all. I guess I was more predictable than I thought.

~*~

[donghyuck]

There came that moment of overload when I pulled the trigger on fact that I couldn't be there with them any longer. I decided to wait outside the office and get right the new information about Minhyung that I heard with the new emotions that came up after we started to dig up old wounds. Although I think I left too late anyway. I should have done it the moment Minhyung's mother started bringing me into conflict. The alarm went off immediately that I didn't want to participate in this circus.

They both put me through a lot of bitter emotions. Like really a lot. All these new facts. Especially the issue of Minhyung's suicide attempt, which I had no idea about. And honestly, I didn't know how to feel about it right now. Mark never seemed suicidal. In the conversations there were no motives of the desire to disappear, senselessness or fatigue of life. As his boyfriend, I felt a bit like I had been slapped in the face. We've been together for so long and I haven't noticed anything like that. We've never even touched on this topic. I began to wonder now if it was still so hard for him to live and function? Does it still hurt so much for him to want to disappear? But there was no room in this fiery exchange for me to ask, though it was a hundred times more important than any other questions. But then the argument got so bad that at the end of it, when the emotions had stabilized, I just got up and left. I had nothing more to add.