What if...? || Markhyuck

-42-

[december 2020]

[minhyung]

I stared up at the ceiling at the unevenly distributed shadow that was torn in places by the beige light of the lamps Donghyuck had given me as a gift. They were supposed to ward off bad dreams when boy wasn't by my side at night but I didn't think they had the same power as his body heat.

We were lying on our backs in boxer shorts, allowing the warmth to escape slowly from our skin after the bath. Hyuck's head pressed pleasantly against my forearm, though it was the only place our bodies met. Still, it was nice.

"Are we doing this?" I asked uncertainly after a very long silence. We crossed the line between one day and the next over an hour ago. And he was still silent.

"What, honey?" he looked at me confused, torn from his private world of doubts and difficult matters without a proper solution.

"It's past midnight," I explained. "So... after Christmas?" I muttered, rolling on side so that I could see him but so the boy himself wouldn't have to move.

"And what about that?" he raised eyebrows, clearly surprised at my words.

"We were supposed to talk seriously," I whispered, deciding to be honest. I didn't want to take advantage of the fact that he might have forgotten something he had decided long time ago himself. However unreal it sounded.

"I know..." he sighed heavily, closing eyes. "If you don't want to, we don't have to," added after a moment.

"I thought you cared about it a lot," I muttered hesitantly, remembering that it was even his ultimatum to be able to be in any relationship after the new year.

"Because I did, but..." he broke off, staring at the ceiling again. "I've come to the conclusion that forcing you to do anything makes no sense and can only unnecessarily hurt both of us," brunet glanced at me with an uncertain smile. The boy's eyes sparkled in the half-light with a strange uncertainty. "We've been doing really well lately. I don't want to lose you, so I just let it go..." whispered, turning to side as well so he could cuddle up to me. "And like you said "sometimes you just shouldn't know, shouldn't ask"..." he hummed softly, some song I didn't know. "Even artists apparently know such things, Hyungie. Let's just go to sleep," he asked, sliding the covers neatly over us.

I sighed heavily, helping him pull it against our bodies. I didn't know if this request was an appropriate solution. On the one hand, it was a very convenient move but on the other, it explained absolutely nothing between us. I didn't want to be in a situation like the last time where I would hear that he has the right to ignore my questions as much as I used to ignore his. That's not how it should work. When I asked him something, I wanted an answer. I got a taste of frustration that boy had been experiencing permanently from the very beginning of our relationship. We couldn't start the new year like this and now it was completely my decision.

"When they recognized my alexithymia and transferred me from juvenile detention to a therapy center, I had to attend group and individual meetings," started calmly, Hyuck's fingers tightening on my shirt. I closed them in hand. "The woman asked me about family relations. I didn't understand her, so she explained to me what a relationship between two people was and then started asking questions about feelings for each family member. This was the moment when it turned out that I had nothing to say. That it just isn't there," explained calmly. I was surprised to find that talking about it didn't stir up any unpleasant feelings in me. These were just facts. "Ever since Jeno showed up, all love poured out on him. Love and attention actually too. That's why when my grandmother died, I was left completely alone".