What if...? || Markhyuck

-34-

[november 2020]

[donghyuck]

In some strange way, I was always struck by the beauty of Mark's apartment. Beauty in this orderly sense. Everything here seemed to have its place and destiny. It's a bit like a puzzle. The box contains a certain number of cardboard boxes, which, although initially in disarray, are ultimately intended to create one complete image. The factory-packed box doesn't contain any additional elements. Everything is calculated in terms of art - no space for unnecessary waste.

Minhyung never had a mess because he was a neat freak, which is why his apartment had a rich new classic touch. Huge windows with a view of the city instead of the wall, dark panels on the floors, ebony furniture thoroughly cleaned of dust, a modern kitchen with a sink, in which even drops after washing had to be wiped, and a bedroom in which the bed was always carefully made. If I ever wanted to invite Mark to my room, I would probably have started cleaning it the year before because this visit could have been his last - it would have ended in a heart attack. In terms of order, we also represented two completely different worlds. Amazingly, another thing separating us.

I put the card on a glass table in the living room. I didn't feel comfortable carrying it with me. I was already shivering with specific chills that convinced me that I shouldn't come here and be alone. After such a break, the distance between me and Hyung made me feel like an intruder in this apartment.

I went to the window with a disgusting, productive cough. I have no idea when or where I got sick. People usually can point out a hypothetical pathogenic moment. I just went to sleep and woke up with a stuffy nose and sore throat. It wouldn't be weird if I wasn't a man who gives in to germs once a year.

I looked at my watch.

23:18.

I already knew Mark wouldn't be back soon. Maybe he knew it before, maybe not. I assumed not. Time wasn't something for Lee to use for his own purposes. Time is discipline, a reference point, a deadline. A man who treats this matter as a vector without return is not a man with whom it is worth maintaining any social relationship.

A snowflake fell on the glass just in front of my nose. It glued subtly to the window and after a while of adhering to the cool glass pane, it began to slide, diminishing, disappearing into oblivion. In its place a moment later appeared the next, next and the next one, until finally hundreds of snow flakes whirled in the air. I turned my back on them.

I decided to sit on the sofa, although my eyes were closing itself. I couldn't somehow overcome this need to go to bed like a human. It stood somewhere behind my back in the bedroom and covered my head like heavy storm clouds hanging in the sky.

I would be lying saying that I don't miss Minhyung bodily. Because I missed him like hell. He's also missing me. We were created this way - as people with needs that we would like to satisfy. After all, we couldn't base the relationship only on sex and that's how it looked for a long time. I wanted us to develop a more solid foundation which components instead of sexual desire would be more emotional needs based on relationship stability and the desire to spend time together in a normal way.

1:39

I wrapped myself in a blanket, resting head on the arm of the couch. Somewhere in the distance a clock ticked and my eyelids slowly dropped. I had no more strength to think about our messed up relationship, Mark's meetings, the eternal lack of time for each other and tomorrow's visit at Steven's place. I wanted to be away from it all. I wanted to go somewhere far away. A break from New York, from eternal obligations, the need to be constantly on the phone and probably under constant supervision.