Looking at you side ways

76

Derek had taken Meredith upstairs and had quickly and efficiently undressed her and put her in PJ's.[i] She was sitting on the bed watching him strip down and put pajama bottoms on. She hadn't said anything since leaving the kitchen. [/i]He pulled her over to the big chair and placed her in his lap. She curled herself into him and he gently stroked her hair and her back for twenty minutes.

He heard her take a deep breath and she said softy, "I told you I was dark and twisty. Scary and damaged."

Derek took his thumb and lifted her chin and gazed into her anguished eyes. "Meredith. There is nothing you can tell me that is going to make me leave. I am here for you forever. I love you."

"If I tell you....if I tell you...you'll.."

"You can tell me anything and I will still love you and I will still be here. I'm not going anywhere."

Meredith nodded and said, "I'm not sure I can talk about it."

[i]He remembered Yang's words.[/i] Derek sighed and said, "It's okay Meredith. You don't have to talk about it now if you don't want to. We can lie down and I can just hold you if you want."

"I trust you Derek. I do. I just....I've never told anyone before."

Derek held her closely and said, "Whatever it is Meredith; we will get through it together."

Meredith closed her eyes for a moment. [i]He wasn't pressuring her. She didn't have to tell. She felt relief wash over her. She knew she had a choice to make. A step forward or two steps backward.[/i] She put her tiny hand over his heart and felt it beating strongly.[i] She knew deep down that he loved her. He was strong enough to hear it. Was she strong enough to say it?[/i]

Meredith said shakily, "My mother...my mother tried to commit suicide."

Derek swallowed hard and asked gently, "When was this?" [i]Maybe it was when she was given the Alzheimer's diagnosis. That would have been tough for someone like Ellis Grey to hear. He could see it.[/i]

"When I was five."

Shocked Derek said, "Oh Meredith. I am so sorry."

"We were home alone one day."

Derek said incredulously, "Wait. You were there?"

"She cut her wrists in front of me in the kitchen. In the same spot that Mark's blood was tonight."

Derek was so shocked he couldn't speak. Finally he gently cupped her face and said with anguish in his voice, "Sweetie. That must have been awful. What happened next?"

"She wouldn't let me call for help so we sat on the floor and I waited until she passed out and by then I was sitting in her blood and I called 911. The paramedics came and took us to the hospital. The Nanny came and got me and my mother came home the next day like nothing happened. It was never discussed."

"You never told anyone this?"

"Never."

Derek said, "Meredith. You've held that in a long time baby. It's not as if it's your fault or anything. I can't believe your mother would do such a thing, in front of a small child no less."

Meredith twilled her hair and said forlornly, "They both didn't want me."

"What?"

"Both my mom and my dad didn't want me. He left and never looked back and she cared so little that she tried to kill herself. She wanted to leave me."

Derek said angrily, "Some people aren't meant to be parents."

Meredith said softy, "I know."

He immediately knew she meant herself and said, "Not you Meredith! Your mom and dad!"