In a lifetime

Chapter 39: Joseph Flores

I spent the rest of the night staying up thinking about what just happened. Daniel didn't sleep in the same room but in the guest room, he sometimes check-in but I just pretend I was asleep.

I know I shouldn't avoid him and he's only trying to help but I just feel like being left alone, at least for now.

Still laying on my bed I grab my headphones and listen to some music to make myself feel a little better.

After a few minutes of listening to music and staring at the ceiling, the song changes to everything I wanted by Billie Eilish and I sit up.

Remembering the only good memories I had with my parents, tears begin to fall. I can't stop it and after a while I just let it happen. Getting up I grab my phone and take out my headphones to make a call.

Calling the funeral home I set up an appointment to bury what's left of my parents. They said under my situation they'll get everything ready and that I'd just pay them when I can. Such dicks for even asking money for burying people.

Putting on black I head to the bathroom to freshen up. Staring at myself in the mirror I think to myself, what is happening to you, you don't deserve this but it's one of the costs, right?

I don't know what I think anymore. I head downstairs where everyone stops talking and looks at me. "You don't have to walk on eggshells around me, I'm fine," I say trying to walk past them but they try and stop me.

"Why are you wearing black?" Eli asks and I respond "I'm burying my parents, you're all welcome to come" I try getting past him but I'm stopped again but by Veronica this time when she yells from behind.

"You can't keep walking off, your hurting so would you just please talk to us!?" She yells and I turn to face her and take in a deep breath and say, "Fine you want me to talk about my feelings, then I'll talk about my feelings, yes I am pissed off and frustrated and even upset because I can't catch a fucking break it's always one thing after another and pardon my French Nessa but I don't think Laurel can be fucking saved and I'm trying I'm really trying to hold out hope that there is room for her but with every passing day I just don't know" I say having tears run down my face.

I continue "and yes I'm upset that I lost my parents but not because of you Veronica but because I don't know if I'm actually upset that there gone, I loved them because they were my parents but I can never forgive them for what they did to me so yes I am breaking down but I have to push them aside otherwise we all might die" Wiping the tears off my face everyone try's to get close but I back off, "so are you coming or not," I say and walk off.

It feels like a wave of relief has washed over but I also feel bad for just dumping all that on them.

I slow down when I pass my house and I stand there for a while. Everyone puts their hand on my shoulder and Daniel grabs my hand, "I'm sorry for dumping all that on you guys" I say and In unison, they say I shouldn't apologize and I laugh saying, "I can't exactly go to a therapist but I'll work on being more open but I'm honestly okay"

I continue walking to the funeral home while the others when to go change for the funeral and when I go to the front table I give them my name. As they bring out my parent's coffin I give them the money with a side-eye and make our way to the cemetery.

I picked two plots next to my Abuela so they can be together. Once we get there they had them lowered into their graves. After covering their grave I tell the workers were done and they leave.

The others arrive with Natalie and flowers, how'd they get them so fast? I shake my thought away and we all stand around. Nessa suggests I give a speech, with my real feelings, and I take a deep breath.

"Every parent is supposed to love their kids unconditionally and you couldn't do that and for that I resented you but a part of me felt bad for leaving and even when I left there was a part of me who still had room for love for the both of you and you don't deserve it but you were my parents and even now I feel guilty because it was me for making you a target and for getting you killed and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve it but now I hope you find peace and thank you for helping me find room to save someone who doesn't deserve it"

Finishing up I place a flower on both their graves and as rain begins to set we walk to my house. Everyone's glad that I did this and I am too, more weights are coming off and it feels good.

Everyone gives me a hug and heads on home. Daniel gestures me to the couch and asks, "how are you feeling" looking at him I smile before saying "I'm still trying to cope but for the most part I'm good, I think imma head to bed"

I get up and head to the stairs but before I go up I look at him and say, "you're not going to let me sleep alone are you?" He smiles and runs towards me heading upstairs and we both crash into the bed.

Looking at each other we hold each other close and fall asleep within each other's arms.