Hurt - Eddie Munson

5

Lana decided to ditch the rest of the day.

As soon as Mr Jones said she could leave his office, she quietly walked through the halls and out one of the back entrances, not trying to bring any more attention to herself on an already bad day.

He was surprisingly kind to Lana, blaming the situation on the boys and recommending she see the councillor.

Ha! Ms Kelly wouldn't understand any of this let alone be a comfort. Funny one Jones.

She didn't even understand it, so how could anyone else? All of the things that Billy had done, even all of the things that had happened before that, had it all ultimately been her fault? And if not, then why did it happen?

So now Lana was sat alone in her room, too numb to cry though she wanted to so badly, dragging her razor across her arm and festering in her thoughts.

There were too many things to be worrying about; all the bullying that was sure to come, seeing Billy, thinking about what had happened while they were together, thinking about everything even before that, and now this weird situation with her old childhood best friend.

And it was too much.

All she wanted was to be able to cry, to scream and sob, but her stupid fucking idiot brain wouldn't let her. She didn't know why she got so numb sometimes and then would be a sobbing mess other times, always at bad moments - and she didn't know how to deal with it. So she hurt herself in different ways; doing drugs, punching herself, throwing up, casual sex, over drinking, burning herself, having fights, not eating until she felt dizzy and of course her go to - the razor blade. Anything to not feel the numb emptiness.

When she was with Billy she had stopped cutting and burning herself, mainly because he demanded she do so, but also because she felt wanted enough to not have to punish herself.

But now she was alone again; alone, unwanted and even more hurt than before.

Cutting was a quick and easy relief, only made inconvenient by the fact that she had to actively hide her cuts from the world, which meant keeping her arms and thighs covered at all times. It was a nice short rush of adrenaline to keep her mind busy followed by the pain that she deserved. Physical pain that was easier to deal with than the emotional.

She remembered how Billy reacted when he saw her cuts for the first time and it still made her feeling something in her stomach. A tingling butterfly sensation as she remembered how it felt to feel like someone cared.

"So that's why you don't ever show off this hot bod... makes sense now." Billy gulped as I took off my clothes.

If I wasn't so drunk I would've been embarrassed, maybe ashamed, but I just wanted him to drop the subject and fuck me.

"It doesn't matter." I grinned and kissed his neck, trailing my hands along his torso. "Come fuck me already."

He smiled and nodded, then grabbed my neck and threw me onto the bed.

After we finished fucking and we'd been sat in bed smoking in silence for a few moments, he turned to me with a serious look on his face I wasn't expecting and gently grabbed my arm.

"You shouldn't do that to yourself."

The cuts he was looking at were quite deep and relatively new, I understood why he felt like he had to say something but it just so wasn't Billy, this was just a casual hookup, not a therapy session so I laughed.

I snorted and giggled at his serious face and moved my arm out of his hand.

"What?" He asked, chuckling slightly.

I shook my head and smiled up at him.

"According to who?"

"According to who what?"

"According to who shouldn't I do that to myself? Why does it matter?"

The smile slowly dropped from his face and he shook his head at me.

"Lana you are crazy you know?"

I laughed again and the smile returned to his face.

"I don't want to see any new ones next time we hook up."

I let out another giggle. "Who says we're hooking up again?"

Billy suddenly grabbed my face and leaned in close to me.

"I do." He whispered with a grin. "And I also say stop doing that to yourself, seriously Lana."

That memory hurt her a lot. She remembered how she felt like she mattered to someone in that moment and now she craved that feeling so badly again.

Her mum wasn't home, she never was, and even if she were there her comfort would never match the validation of a man.

Lana hated that she depended so heavily on male validation, she knew it was messed up and dumb, but she also knew it was rooted deeply in her daddy issues, a subject she couldn't even touch with a stick.

But then she heard a knock at the caravan door, snapping her out of that spiral for a moment.

"Just a second!" She shouted, quickly wiping her arm and wrapping bandage around it before throwing her hoodie back on.

The door knocked again.

"Give me a damn minute!" Lana was annoyed now as she stomped towards the door.

When she swung it open, she was surprised to see Eddie Munson stood there with a smile on his face.

His nose was slightly swollen and there was a bruise on his cheek but other than that he looked unharmed. Lana still felt bad looking at it though.

"You left earlier. Didn't know if you still wanted to hang out, I was going to ask you on the bus." He awkwardly smiled.

Shit. Forgot about that.

"Oh yeah of course just give me half an hour I'll be at your trailer." Lana smiled back at him, panicking inside.

"Cool. See you soon." He tried to play it cool but it was evident there was a happy gleam in his eye as he walked off.

The rest of the school day had been pretty uneventful for him, not that he cared anyway, and he'd just been thinking about Lana. How cool she looked when she hit Andy with that chair, her awkward shy smile and blush, her weird resistance to having a conversation.

Mr Jones had told him to "stay away from the poor girl" and "not get her into any more trouble", which only made him more determined to hang out with her, he hated that old bastard.

So he anxiously waited in his room, listening to Metallica quietly and smoking a small blunt to soothe his nerves while the time passed.

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