Never Ending Heartbeats

Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Beg

All these years, I know to myself I tried so hard to fight my fears. I don't want my fears to overcome me. I manage to do it, I am not that scared of the rain anymore. It doesn't shake me anymore just like before. 

People doesn't need to be worried to me because I can handle myself every time it will rain but the thunder is different. I still hate how it sounds. My fear in thunder is still here but not like before that I can't calm myself down.

Years of trying I can manage to calm myself down every time it will rain and every time there is thunder. I will just cry and shake in fear and sometimes with the fragment memories of my painful past, but I can handle to set that aside and only think of the things that make me happy from the past.

Hindi naman na madalas na nangyayari sa'kin na utak ko ang gumugulo sa'kin. Every time I will hear the thunder, I know I will just cry and shake in fear, that's all.

But this time I don't know what suddenly happen. I start to think of what happen again and I can't calm myself down kahit na alam ko sa sarili kong kaya ko naman. I am not even crying, I am just shaking while my mind is messing up with me again.

"You are fucking cold and shaking, Zemira Ember." Marco hissed the moment he touch my hand. A small smile form into my lips.

"Why do I always want to be weak in front of you? Nakayanan ko naman ng ilang taon na maging matapang ng mag-isa, but seeing you in front of me again, I just want to be the same Zemira again that you always protected but then I realize, that is maybe the reason why you left. You don't want to be responsible of that old Zemira again." I said while looking straight to his eyes. I am not crying, I am just looking at him with my eyes full of pain.

Gusto kong magmakaawa sa kanya. I want to end what I am feeling and I know only him can make me feel better in any way. Gusto kong bumalik na kami sa dating dalawa.

He didn't say anything and just look at me with the same emotions I saw earlier. We are just looking at each other's eyes not minding the sound coming from the thunder that makes me shake in fear just earlier.

This makes me remember the first time he make me forget I am scared. The time he kissed me to calm me down. I want to look at the Marco again because the Marco I am seeing now is so different. He is looking at me with empty eyes.

"I am okay. I told you, I can handle myself." I said and I was to get up of my bed when another thunder came making me seat down at the side of my bed to cover my ears.

"Stop acting like you can. I know you so much, Zemira." He said and hold my arm at nakaluhod na siya sa tabi ko habang hawak ang braso ko.

I just cry harder and harder while my hands is covering my ears, but I am but crying because thunder is scaring me. I am crying having Marco here with me again after years.

Bumalik sa'kin yung hirap na pinagdaanan ko not having him by my side. When I saw the things on his house being taken and when I learn about his father's death and at the same time I also learn of him leaving me.

That is the time when I learn how I mess up. How I failed to save what we have. Having Marco here again kahit na ramdam kong sobrang ibang tao na ang kasama ko I can't help but to feel happy.

After years of not having him by my side, finally he is here. Hindi man katulad ng dati but just feeling his presence beside me, lahat kaya ko ng ilabas. Lahat ng sakit, hirap, saya, pagsisi. All the things I can't let out.

Una pa lang naman bukod sa pamilya ko kay Marco ko lang kayang ipakita ang lahat. All the things the the people who love me doesn't know.

Marco is my solace. My comfort and peace, and having it back again is the best feeling in the world.

"I miss you." I said in between my sobs. I am not expecting for him to give me answer. I just want him to know what I am feeling.

He let me just cry while his hands are still on my arms. When I feel like sobrang pagod na akong umiyak tumigil na din yung pagtulo ng luha ko. I don't know where I find the courage to remove his hand holding me at mabilis na tumayo at lumabas ng kwarto ko habang pinupunasan ang luha ko.

Tama ba na umiyak ako ng ganun sa harap niya? I want to show him my new side just like what he is doing to me the moment we met again. I badly want to do that but just by seeing him, I want to be weak. I want to cry on his arms and tell him how hard it is to live all these years without them.

I lost Lea and at the same time Carlo choose to leave this place after that I lost Tito and he save me but I failed to save Marco making him feel that he should left me.

"Zemira." I just close my eyes tightly while drinking water in the kitchen.

"Please, stop calling my name that way." I begged.

Tinapos ko lang yung pag-inom ng tubig bago humarap sa kanya na nakatingin sa'kin. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang itsura ko sa harap niya ngayon pero ang alam ko lang sobrang hapdi ng mata ko sa pag-iyak and my throat is dry making me drink a lot of water.

It's still raining outside pero hindi na yun ganun kalakas at ambon na lang ata yun. I gave him a small smile when our eyes met bago siya yayain sa living room.

Kanina walang ibang umiikot sa isip ko kung hindi lahat ng nararamdaman ko to the point na ngayon ko lang naisip kung paano siya nakapasok ng condo unit ko at kung paano niya nalaman ang floor unit ko. I can't think about that earlier pero ngayon na medyo kalma na yung nararamdaman ko ngayon lang ako napaisip how can he manage to enter my unit.

Ako ang naunang maupo sa sofa sa living room ng unit ko while I watch him just looking around. My place is just a simple one dahil madalas naman na sa recording studio ako ng Rivera pag wala akong ginagawa and this past few months I am busy with a lot of things. Wala naman siyang makikitang kahit ano sa living room, hindi ko lang alam kanina kung may nakita ba siya sa kwarto ko. On my side table there is a picture of us.

"It looks like you are better now. I will leave your car at the parking, I asked my friend to pick me up." He said at wala na talaga atang balak na maupo kaya tumayo na lang din ako at hinarap siya.

"How do you manage to open my unit? And even know my floor?" I asked him at nakita ko naman kung paano niya basaan ang pang-ibabang labi niya dahil sa sinabi ko. I even saw panic on his eyes!

For the first time he showed me a clear emotion. The panic I saw on his eyes is the same as what the old Marco is doing whenever he will panic in a certain question or situation.

"Marco, come on. I just really want to know because I am confused on how you manage to come here the moment I needed you." I said it while looking at him. Buong akala ko hindi ko magagawang sumagot sa kanya ng buong tapang.

The moment I saw him again hindi pumasok sa isip ko na magagawa ko pa siyang makausap kung paano ko siya kausapin noon lalo na din sa pinapakita niya sa'kin. He tried to hard to show me that he change. Sinigurado niya na makikita ko yun, at nakita ko nga. He succeed because at that time I know I am not talking to the same Marco again.

And something happen that makes me forget about it. The way he suddenly appear earlier and how he manage to hold me while I am shaking in fear and act like he care, I know I make the old Marco came out but just for a short moment dahil ngayon yung bagong siya na naman ang nakikita ko.

"I asked at the lobby, he gave it to me. Lastly, your door is slightly open." He said making my forehead creased.

"I doubt that." I said and a smirk came out on my lips.

"Well, I can't do anything about that. It looks like you are okay now. I should go." He said and turn his back at me after putting down at the table the key to my car.

"It's good to have you back, my Marco." I said at nakita ko naman kung paano siya tumigil sa paglalakad dahil sa sinabi ko bago tuluyang lumabas ng unit ko.

I will try not to cry. I am done for this day. Habang nakatingin sa pinto kung saan siya umalis napangisi na lang ako.

"Hindi mo ako maloloko, Marco Jael." I said to myself and chuckle.

I don't think I can believe his reasons. Hindi basta lang ibibigay ng receptionist yung floor ng unit ko and even my room number because I asked my condo to be careful on giving information about where I live because there are some fans who is desperate to know what exactly the floor and number of my condo. Alam ko na hindi basta basta ibibigay yun kahit kay Marco pa ng hindi naitatawag sa'kin na mag gustong makaalam kung saan ako nakatira sa buong building.

Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nalaman at hindi din naman ako makaisip ng iba pang dahilan kung paano niya nalaman kung saan ako nakatira, basta ang sigurado ko lang ay hindi ko kayang paniwalaan ang naging palusot niya na nagtanong siya sa lobby. Lastly, my door can automatically close. Hindi yun maiiwan na bukas dahil kusang magsasarado yun.

It's already late at ayoko naman na bigla na lang mataranta ang condominium kung saan ako nakatira dahil bigla akong tumawag at magtanong kung binigay ba nila ang floor at room number ko sa kung sino.

Pinili ko na lang na bumalik ng kwarto ko at hindi na inabala pang buksan ang ilaw dahil may kaunting liwanag naman mula sa lamp kaya humiga na lang ako sa kama ko at doon ko naramdaman yung pagdaan ng pagod at antok sa sistema ko.

Nagising ako dahil sa malakas na pagtunog ng phone. It's already morning, kinuha ko yung phone ko na inaantok pa pero hindi naman phone ko ang tumutunog and I just realize it's not my ringtone. Mabilis akong napabangon dahil doon at tumayo sa kama ko para hanapin yun at may nakita akong phone sa may paanan ng kama ko.

"What? He left this here?" I asked while looking at the phone I am holding na tumutunog pa din at may tumatawag na ang pangalan ay Michael.

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang sagutin 'to. I am afraid that if I answer this baka mas lalo siyang magalit sa'kin dahil nangialam ako kaya hinayaan ko na lang yun at hindi na sinagot hanggang sa mawala.

Nakatingin lang ako sa phone ni Marco na nasa kamay ko ng phone ko naman ang tumunog na sinagot ko naman agad dahil tawag yun mula kay Callie.

"Yes, what do you need?" I said when I answer the phone.

"Is this really how the top stars answer the phone?" I laugh to what she said.

"Not really, pero ano nga? Hindi mo naman kasi ako hilig tawagan." I said and roll my eyes.

"Talaga ba? Baka ikaw ang hindi sumasagot. But whatever, let's eat breakfast together bago ako pumasok." Natawa na lang ako at pumayag na lang din.

Napatingin na lang ulit ako sa phone ni Marco na hawak ko kaya huminga na lang ako ng malalim bago yun nilagay sa bag na dadalhin ko at nagsimula ng mag-ayos para makalabas ako.

I just wear a simple maong shorts and an oversized sweatshirt and a sunglasses dahil nasa malapit lang naman na coffee shop si Callie. Iba ang way ng condo ko sa way papuntang school kaya sinabi ko na ako na lang ang mag-aadjust pero malapit na pala siya kaya wala na akong nagawa. I didn't bring my car at naglakad na lang ako. Masyado pang maaga kaya walang nakakapansin sa'kin. Titingnan lang nila ako pero wala namang ginagawa, and I think that is the nicest feeling.

As a public figure and a person known by many sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam na hindi ka dumugin ng kahit sino and just live like a normal person. I love my Miras so much but I also love my peace.

When I arrive at the coffee shop nandoon na nga si Callie at inaantay ako kaya nginitian ko siya bago ako umupo sa harap niya. She already order dahil palabas pa lang ako ng unit ko nagtanong na siya kung ano ang gusto ko.

"May ipis ba sa unit mo?" She asked when she saw my eyes the moment I remove my sunglasses. Inirapan ko naman siya. My eyes are still puffy because of last night.

"Ako ang naisip mong tawagan dahil alam mong ako lang ang pwede mong makasabay sa breakfast, right?" Tanong ko sa kanya kaya napanguso naman siya dahil sa sinabi ko kaya natawa ako.

"You are the only person I think that have a highest possibility of being awake already. Out of all our friends, ikaw lang talaga." She said kaya mas lalo akong natawa sa kanya bago uminom sa inorder niyang kape para sa'kin.

"Well, you are right. I am sure all of them are sleeping. What about you? You have class?" Tumango naman siya sa'kin bago kumain ng cake na order niya while I asked for pancake.

We are all done with college but Callie is still in law school. She wants to be an attorney kaya ang kinuha niyang course noon ay Political Science same as Jesiah. They are all friends way back then at kung hindi ako nagkakamali hindi naman talaga daw dapat Political Science ang course ni Jesiah because he should take criminal justice course and study in University of Manila pero nagulat na lang daw sila ng biglang sinabing Political Science din sa UP ang kukunin niya. He is not even taking up law or anything, he continue working as an private investigator.

"Talaga bang kakaumpisa ko pa lang sa law school? Parang ayoko na agad eh." She said while frowning.

"Callie, I stop myself to asked you about this all this years, pero itatanong ko na din. Do you really like to be a lawyer? Not because your family own a law firm and almost all of your family members is a known lawyer." I carefully asked.

Ang tagal ng gumugulo sa'kin ng tanong na yun pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko dahil baka hindi tama ngayon lang talaga ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na itanong sa kanya yun. Nakita ko naman kung gaano kasipag si pag-aaral niya noon si Callie kaya nga nakatapos siya with flying colors.

"Sa totoo lang at first I really didn't like it but I just found myself enjoying it until I love it. I want to be a lawyer not to be just like my family but to be me. I want to be a lawyer who doesn't rely to her family's name. I want to be my own kind of lawyer." She said and I can't help but to smile proudly at her.

"I am proud of you. You are getting there, Callie. Nandito lang ako." I said and smile at her kaya natawa na lang siya sa'kin at sinabihan ako na kumain na lang.

We just eat while talking about some random stuff hanggang sa mauna na din siyang umalis dahil may pasok pa siya kaya ako naman nagpaiwan lang saglit sa coffee shop bago maisipan na umuwi dahil pupunta nga pala ako ng Rivera mamaya dahil pipirma ako ng mga album ko.

I just stay at my unit bago ko maisipan ng umalis because Reese called me and said that nasa Rivera's na siya at ang dami ko daw palang pipirmahan na album at posters.

Hinanap ko yung susi ng kotse ko at nakita ko yun sa center table kung saan niya din yun iniwan kagabi kaya napahinga na lang ako ng malalim bago kinuha yun at naglakad palabas ng unit ko pero imbes na sa parking ako dumiretso sa reception ako pumunta dahil biglang may naalala ako.

"What can I do for you, Ms. Velasco?" She asked with a smile kaya ngumiti din ako sa kanya.

"Don't panic about what I will ask, but just answer my question, did someone asked about my floor unit last night?" I asked, she look confused and I tried so hard na ipakita sa kanyang hindi ako galit or something.

"Hindi po kasi ako ang nasa front desk last night but I can call her for you."

"Please do that for me. I just really want to confirm something, don't worry." I said and smile at her kaya tumango na lang siya bago tawagan yung katrabaho niya. I just wait for a few minutes bago siya ngumiti pabalik sa'kin.

"She said wala naman pong nagtanong anything about your floor and room number last night. We will call you naman po if someone will look for you, we promise you that." She said kaya tumango naman ako bago ngumiti sa kanya.

"I know, thank you."

Nakangisi akong pumunta ng parking. He didn't asked the front desk last night. Now it confirms he just make up his reasons, kaya ngayon naiwan na naman sa'kin ang tanong kung paano niya napasok ang unit ko.

Sa password ng unit ko hindi na ako magtataka dahil ang password lang naman ng unit ko ay ang birthday niya but knowing him now alam kong hindi papasok sa isip niya na yun ang gagawin kong password para sa unit ko.

I drive to Rivera's and people are smiling at me and greeting me at binabati ko naman sila pabalik. I go to the practice room at napanganga na lang ako sa dami ng gagawin ko.

"Pati ako nagulat, pero hindi mo naman kailangan tapusin yan ngayon. Take your time, kung ilang lang kaya mo." She said kaya tumango ako doon.

Hindi ko naman kasi talaga kakayanin ngayon lahat ng 'to. Dalawang box ng album ko at sobrang daming posters, sinong tao ang kakayanin yun ng isang upuan lang? Baka hindi ko na maramdaman kamay ko sa mga sumunod na araw pag ginawa ko yun.

Naiwan akong mag-isa sa practice room at lumabas si Reese para kunin yung pinadeliver niya na pagkain namin. When I open my bag to get my charger, I notice Marco's phone.

I am sure he is already looking for this pero hindi naman din siya pumunta maghapon sa unit ko para kunin ang phone niya at hindi ko din alam kung tama pa ba na sa The Typicals ko siya puntahan becuase just by looking at his expression when he saw me parang ayaw niyang malaman ng tao sa paligid niya kung sino ako. Sabi ko hindi ko gagawin 'to but I don't have a choice.

"Yes, Zemira?" I roll my eyes when I heard Jesiah.

"I just want to asked something."

"Oh, is this about him again?"

"Yes, I need to know kung saan siyang hotel naka-stay. I just need to return something." I said at napapikit na lang ako sa inis when I heard him chuckle na parang inaasar ako.

"Just like what I expected, hindi mo din matitiis na hindi tanungin ang bagay na yan. Well... do you really want to know? Are you sure?"

"Yes, just tell me."

"He is staying at Rheinford Hotel, 28th floor and the room number is 2806."

"I just asked for the name of the hotel, you jerk!" I shouted at him dahil lahat sinabi niya sa'kin.

"Your welcome, good luck on that but make sure to talk to Kairo about everything. Don't hurt him more." Yun lang ang sinabi niya at siya na ang nagbaba ng tawag.

That jerk, Jesiah! Wala naman akong balak alamin ang lahat ng yun dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko na talaga mapipigilan ang sarili ko na lapitan siya ng lapitan na alam kong hindi niya magugustuhan but what can I do now kung alam ko na kung saan siyang hotel ngayon naka-stay, I even know the floor and room number.

When Reese came back kumain na lang muna kami and while we are eating bigla namang dumating si Chantal na pinanood lang kami kahit na inalok namin na kumain. She is on a diet daw kasi kaya pinanood lang kami.

"Chantal, do you think saying sorry and trying is enough to forgive a person?" I asked her at gulat naman siyang tumingin sa'kin.

"Uhm, N-No? I'm sorry, I am not really sure, but I think it all depends to a person. We are all different, it all depends on how that person can handle what happen. Iba't iba kasi ng tapang at lakas ang meron ang tao." She said with a small smile on her lips.

"And also how that person feels. The deeper the wound the more it's harder to forgive." I said ng bigla ko yung maisip dahil sa sinabi ni Chantal.

Hindi ko alam na ganun na ba talaga kalaki yung sakit na naibigay ko kay Marco para ganun na ang maging tingin niya sa'kin and how he told me all of those words. Sa totoo lang paniwalang paniwala naman na ako sa lahat ng sinabi niya sa'kin kagabi pero dahil din sa mga kilos na ginawa niya literal na nagulo niya ang sistema ko ng todo.

When I am in pain because I realize that the Marco I know is not the same Marco I talked to but when I saw him in my room making me feel his warm while I am shaking doon ko talaga naisip that he doesn't really change that much, I just hurt him so bad and also wala din akong idea kung ano ba talaga ang umiikot sa isip niya kung bakit ganun na lang bigla ang nangyari.

I understand that part of it is my fault, pero yun lang ba talaga? I feel like there is another reason na siya lang ang tanging nakakaalam. He is not letting me know his side very well, he is good at hiding and keeping it. Yun ang hindi nakakatuwa kay Marco noon pa man.