The Shadow's Grip • bxb [COMPLETED]

-20 -

Harper's P.O.V.

I don't want to do it again.

I don't want to feel like this again.

Please, not again.

I open my eyes, the light from the window hitting my face, but I can't breathe.

Mom is in the kitchen, probably preparing breakfast. I can hear her high heels against the cold hard floor and I know she's going to work soon. She's humming a song that I can't really recognize. Something between a lullaby that she probably sang to me before, when I was younger, and a song I heard on the radio a long time ago.

This feeling again. From the darkest pit of my chest to my feet. From my head to my hands. Everywhere in my body I can feel its presence. I'm drowning.

It's getting hard to stay on the surface and I can feel the water around me, suffocating. Since when did it became like this? Where is Dimitri? Isn't he here yet? Oh... He probably left already.

Left for good. After what happened especially. I wasn't strong enough that night. I wish I could have said something. While he was crying and holding me, begging me to stay awake and not fall asleep.

I'm sorry I couldn't do it. I'm sorry I couldn't say to you what I've always wanted to say. There was a lot that you couldn't hear from me. Maybe if I wrote a letter before... But I didn't thought about that.

I still have time.

That's what I thought back then. It happened faster than it should have.

A tear slips from my eye, rolls down my cheek and even if I wanted to wipe it I couldn't. I'm stuck here.

Here. On this couch. In this house. All alone when mom isn't here to keep me company by cooking or reading me good night stories.

Oh silly her... Doesn't she know I'm too old for those? I can't remember how long it has been since then but... I know for sure I'm too old for fairy tales.

Ah... If only I could see Dimitri one last time. What would I say to him? Would I be able to say anything at all? Maybe a goodbye?

It's too late for that isn't it? He put up with me this long. I was lucky to have someone like him by my side in the first place. Maybe if I wouldn't have been such an idiot everything would have turned out just fine.

He would be here by my side and I would feel like before. Alive. And loved.

What's the point of being alive if you're not loved? And what's the point of being loved if you're not alive?

Stuck here, in a place, not being able to move and drowning in my own regrets from when I was still alive.

That's right. I'm not alive. I should stop pretending to be. But why can't I leave this place? What's keeping me here?

"Okay my dear... Breakfast is ready" I can hear mom's voice from the kitchen.

She smiles at me and places a plate in front of me. Sunny side up eggs, my favorites, with bacon and a cup of coffee next to it.

"I know how much you like them so thought I would do these for you. It's the least I can do" she chuckles and then grabs her purse from her bedroom before waving at me.

She'll be back. She's always coming back. Why hasn't she moved already? Isn't it painful? Staying here after everything?

What's the point? I'm not here. She knows I'm not here. It's not really me.

I'm not Harper anymore, am I? Now I'm just me. I'm not someone. Nor something. But I exist.

Existing without being alive seems impossible, but now I see that's how it really is.

I'm tired.

I want to sleep.

I want to go.

Why can't you, mom?

Why can't you let me go?