The Shadow's Grip • bxb [COMPLETED]

-39-

Felix's P.O.V.

Dimitri's home looks more like a dump than an apartment. He seems quite happy to see me, not knowing what to do first so he's just walking around.

"Sorry... It's a bit... Well... It's... It's really messy"

"It's alright... I'll help you"

So my visit became an excuse to clean the whole apartment together, throwing away empty bags and bottles, wiping the dust off the shelves and actually making Dimitri feel a bit better.

"I'm sorry. I can't really think of anything else to say" he sits down on the couch and looks at me.

We just stare at each other for a few moments, trying to understand what we are. Friends? We haven't talked in months like we are friends. More like acquaintances.

But thinking about how we used to be close and share everything together. When we still had hope of finding out more about The Shadow and getting rid of it. Dimitri was my hope because he didn't seem like the one to give up easily, like I did.

He was keeping me stable and sane, but now he's always on the edge, depressed and like the world will end any second
So I'm feeling like all my stability from before is gone. Just like that.

I sit down next to him and hesitantly put my hand on his shoulder. He flinches at first, but then relaxes and covers his face with his hands.

"How are you feeling?" I ask but then remember "if you want to talk about it"

He sighs and shrugs.

"I don't want you to act all cautious around me. Worried that you'll say something wrong and... stuff... It makes me feel like a fucking burden"

"You're not a burned you're just... Well... You need help"

"I think I deserve to be alone. I can't control myself Felix. I always end up fucking everything up and pushing everyone away. It's who I am"

"No, it's my fault. I pushed you too far that day. You didn't want to talk, but I still made you feel like you need to... And it's true... You can't compare us"

He finally looks at me and doesn't say anything more, even though it's clear that he does want to. I don't even know how I can convince him that it wasn't his fault. He was already struggling and I should've listened.

That's my problem. I can't seem to listen and process what someone tells me. I just end up doing whatever feels right to me. In that moment it felt right to me, but then it suddenly didn't.

Staying in that forest and looking at a tree while regret engulfed me like a wave. And I could've easily just ended it all there.

It would've helped me get rid of every problem I have and Dimitri wouldn't have someone to push him over the edge all the time or annoy him. That's why it was better to keep my distance.

What kept me going until now? I don't know. Maybe the hope of a better life? The hope of being able to help Dimitri once again?

I sound like a fucking idiot, thinking about what keeps me going and not being able to find an answer.

"I can't avoid my problems forever, Felix. You were just trying to help me. But I was such a fucking idiot. Thinking I'm the only one who actually struggles"

"It's good to put yourself first" I reassure him.

"Yeah but not to be a selfish asshole"

"You're not a selfish asshole"

Silence. Nothing else. Dimitri looks so tired as if he hasn't slept in weeks and I want to ask him about that too, but I'm afraid I'll scare him away again. I don't want to do that.

Slowly, maybe he can feel safe with me again. Hopefully.

"I'm tired" he says and I immediately stand up, ready to leave and let him rest.

"It's better if you go to sleep" I turn around but he stops me by grabbing my wrist before I can move.

"I don't want you to leave. Ever. I want us to be close again. I want you here" he says, almost whispering but I hear every word.

"Dima..."

He seems taken aback and leaves my hand. We go to his bedroom and I'm surprised to see that it's the only place that's perfectly clean.

Everything is in place and it looks the same as it was last time I was here. A long time ago. It's crazy how so many months can go by in the blink of an eye, without barely even noticing.

Dima lies down on the bed and makes some room for me too, but I pretend I don't notice it and instead just sit down at the edge of it.

He frowns.

"You're just gonna stay there?"

"The bed is already small. You need some space"

"There's plenty of space" he moves a bit, leaving more than half of the bed free.

I can't say no. I want to be there for him when he needs me. So I lie down next to him and pull the blanket over us.

We're facing each other and I can't help but blush. The awkward feeling of wearing jeans and socks to bed doesn't even seem to bother me.

Even though we've shared a bed before, it seems that I'm more vulnerable than ever. I'm looking at his lips, then at his eyes, and end up catching a glimpse of the window, snowflakes falling outside. It's not good for me to panic like this.

He's calm and composed, as always, or at least tries to be.

"I'm sorry" he whispers and his eyes fill with tears.

I understand. It's easy to say shit we don't mean out of anger. He's beating himself up for it when there's no reason to.

True, I was a bit hurt at first, but it happened months ago. I'm not some baby that holds grudges forever. For now, I'm happy that I can be close to him again, without us freaking out one way or another.

He turns around, his back facing me now and I panic, wondering if I did something wrong again. Is he sad? Is he mad? What is wrong?

I wish I wasn't such a coward. That I could do something about these feelings and get closer to him, without overthinking it.

And for a second, I finally feel brave.

I wrap my hands around him and bring him closer. His back is now pressed against my chest and my heart is pounding so fast I'm afraid he'll be able to hear it too.

He relaxes and sighs out loud, falling asleep shortly after.

Being close to him like this, it's almost as if I'm suffocating because of all the warmth in my chest. I can't help but want to be close, even if it would kill me.

I love this feeling.

I love him.