The Shadow's Grip • bxb [COMPLETED]

-38-

Dimitri's P.O.V.

I stare at the phone in front of me, not being able to say or do anything almost as if my whole body froze.

"Dimitri? Are you still there?" my father's voice can be heard on the other end but I don't feel anything.

I expected to be sad. To cry. To feel bad again. But I'm not. I'm not feeling anything. This isn't happening. Maybe it's another nightmare and I'll just wake up, forgetting this ever happened.

As much as I want all this to be the result of my imagination, it's as real as it could get.

"Why don't you say anything?"

I refuse to say anything to him. He doesn't deserve to talk to me. I wish I could just silence him, that he wouldn't be there anymore.

Before he says anything else I finally get the power to end the call. Standing up from the couch, like nothing happened, I go to the kitchen and grab a cup, ready to make myself some tea.

I haven't been out in a while and staying inside can be exhausting too. There's no motivation in me for anything anymore.

I know it's because it's that time of the year, but it's like it just becomes worse every day. Out of all the days to do it, my father called me again today. Only making me more miserable.

What I'm feeling is beyond sadness. It's self disgust so strong that it almost scares me.

Felix's been on my mind these past few days and I would give everything to see him again. I would apologise and ask him to be patient. I need some time and I'll be back on my feet, I'm sure.

My boss had no other option but to fire me since I haven't showed up at work in months, and I wasn't sad when he did it, but relieved.

Violet and Luna have been giving me money until my "mental health becomes better" but everyone knows that's bullshit. I'm just leeching off them in the worst way possible.

I turn on the TV and watch whatever's on, but I can feel my eyes unfocusing and looking somewhere else. There's barely any space left on the couch with water bottles and food bags thrown away in the most random places.

The only clean space that I have left is my bed, in the bedroom, but I rarely sleep there anymore.

It's like I'm in a continuous battle with my own mind.

Violet left me a card with the number of a good therapist she's been to herself. I can't bring myself to share everything with a stranger just yet.

So I'm stuck here for now.

There's a knock on the door and I just wait for whoever is out there to go away, but they just knock more aggressively.

I feel anger rising in me and I kick away my blanket to go there and open it.

"No! I do not want to accept Jesus as my Lord and saviour-"

I'm left speechless. It's not any annoying Jehovah's witness again. It's Felix. And he's smiling at me, making me feel even worse for what I did to him.

There are tears forming in my eyes and a lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow. A sadness so bad that it's hurting me physically, making both my chest and head hurt.

Seeing Felix right in front of me, after everything that happened. It's like I'm seeing him for the first time after the fight, like we haven't talked in years.

For a brief moment, I remember the night we met, how I thought he was weird and decided to keep my distance from him. In the end, that was nearly impossible.

Here I am, about to fall to his feet. Quite literally since I'm holding on for dear life to the last bit of sanity I have right now. I want to freak out, to cry and scream just like that day. But instead of saying mean things, I want to apologize.

Will he even accept my apology?

I've been surviving these past few months. I can't say that I've been living since every day felt like hell and there wasn't even a will for me to get out of bed.

I pushed Violet and Luna away too, told them to let me be alone for a while until I become better, but I'm even worse than before.

I want to get better.

"I'm sorry" I finally say and feel more relieved than I thought I will be.

Felix just smiles and hugs me, such a warm and safe presence. It feels as if I'm melting in his arms, but I'm not complaining at all. I can get used to this closeness between us.

I never want to pull away. I want to stay like this. In his arms, where I feel like nothing can hurt me, and I'm safe. He holds me more tightly and if it was anyone else but him I would've probably said I'm suffocating.

There doesn't seem to be a problem if he's the one suffocating me. Especially with all this affection.

We hear a cough and immediately pull away in fear, both of us startled.

One of my neighbors, an old lady is watching us carefully, almost annoyed because of our happiness. On instinct, I want to flip her off but I have to control myself.

She's judging hard, but just turns around and leaves. She could've done that without disturbing my time with Felix. Who knows how long it will be until I can hug him like that again? I want to do it again.

We both stand there in silence after that, waiting until she's gone before smiling like idiots.

"Come in"

I open the door for him and he gently touches my shoulder on the way in, making me even more flustered.

Happiness is filling me up and I finally feel alive. After what felt like months being dead, I look at him with fond eyes and smile to myself.

This is what being in love must feel like.