The Shadow's Grip • bxb [COMPLETED]

-21-

Felix's P.O.V.

After the dog incident, which basically just reminded me and Dimitri that we're both in horrible shape, we finally arrived at his apartment safely.

It's a small apartment, that seems big enough for two people, and I immediately like the cozy atmosphere.

"Sorry... It's a bit messy" Dimitri tries to clean up the clothes and put them in a closet in another room.

He's also worried about the fact that there are blankets and pillows basically everywhere, on the couch, in the bedroom and even on the floor. I told him over and over again that I don't think it's necessary since I won't be staying here that long.

I check my phone to see if Hana called me, but she didn't. Even so, I leave her a text saying that I'm over at Dimitri's so she doesn't worry when she doesn't find me home. She likes it when I spend time with my friends instead of sitting in an empty, depressing house waiting for her to come back.

It's almost 3 a.m. now and I'm starting to feel a little sleepy again. And Dimitri is still stressing over the fact that the apartment is not clean enough even though I love it this way.

The way nothing is in a certain place, most people will say it's messy, but to me it's just proof that someone is living here. And I feel safe somehow, in this small apartment full of pillows and blankets and Dimitri, the boy that understands me better than anyone does.

"I want to sleep" I sit down on the couch closing my eyes happily, while Dimitri is still busy doing something in the kitchen.

"You can take the bed in the bedroom. I'll take the couch"

"Is that your room?" I open my eyes again and ask him.

"No. It's not Violet's room either. Whoever wants to sleep there does it and the other sleeps on the couch... But lately she's been over at Luna's a lot"

"Ah I see... But you don't have to sleep on the couch. You need a good sleep as much as I do. Besides I think it's big enough for the both of us"

He doesn't say anything after that, and I just shrug it off and stand up to go to the bedroom and sleep. I can't think of anything else but resting my head against the pillow and closing my eyes.

The bedroom is as cozy as the rest of the apartment too. It's small with a bed that seems big enough for the both of us if we squeeze together a bit, posters and more clothes in an half opened closet. There are shoes thrown on the floor and some books neatly stacked on top of each other on a small nightstand.

I step closer to the posters to examine them. There is one with a girl with long blonde hair, 'Hayley Kiyoko' written in a corner. Another one has 'girls like girls' written in white letters on black, looking more like a drawing than a poster.

There are also some that are clearly hand written, phrases like 'We fell in love in October' and 'they're so pretty it hurts'. I find it interesting, but also weird how Dimitri could have something like this. Then I see more posters and a lesbian flag right next to the closet and something inside of my brain clicks.

Almost on time, Dimitri enters the bedroom and looks around for things to gather. It seems like he really wants to make good impression, but he should know I don't care about how neat everything is.

"Oh... Right... These are Violet's. She's a fan of girl in red" he points at the posters next to the closet.

"Is she a lesbian?" I ask, still looking at the flag, and Dimitri nods.

"Well well... We almost got the whole community here"

I look down at my hands and chuckle. I'm feeling more accepted than ever, being surrounded by people just like me. It all makes me feel a lot less alone. Maybe all those panic attacks about being gay finally came to a stop, since I have someone to talk to about it.

What can be worse? I'm gay and haunted. Add anxious to the list too and it's perfect. It's like a bingo for unfortunate people.

"I'm so tired" I groan and rub my face with my hands, trying to shake off all the thoughts about how awful my life is.

I don't hate it. I have friends and get along just great with my aunt, but sometimes I'm thinking about how it would be if it was just a little bit better. Not to be followed around by The Shadow, firstly. And being gay... Doesn't matter how bad I feel about it sometimes... I wouldn't change it.

I pat the place besides me while looking at Dimitri and he scratches the back of his head.

"Are you sure? We're gonna have to squeeze together..."

"I don't mind... Do you?"

"No! Not at all" he seems embarrassed now and grabs another pillow from the closet.

"We can share the blanket. It's big enough"

Dimitri lays down next to me and sighs while looking at the ceiling. He seems tired and over the edge. I would ask  what's wrong but I already know the answer. He's not really over everything that happened, especially since it all moves so fast.

I may be used to it, but that doesn't mean others are too.

I'm feeling all kinds of things inside at this point. I'm sad, and hurt by the fact that Dimitri is suffering right next to me in this moment, but I can't do anything about it without accidentally bringing up awful memories. I'm anxious and scared to fall asleep again.

And my heart is beating so fast, this being the first time I've ever shared a bed with a boy like this. I know I shouldn't think about this in such a situation, but I can't help it. This brings me a bit of peace, but also makes me want to cry again.

It's like he's so close, but so far away. Like he's not really here, but absent, leaving behind a corpse that looks and acts like him, but has no soul.

What can I do? Can I do something?

No matter how long I'll deny it... It's my fault.

I look at him and want to say it. The words almost escape my lips, but I can't bring myself to say it, so I just turn around, my back facing him now.

I'm sorry. That's what I could have said. That's what I wanted to say. That's what I should have said.

But I didn't.